~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:
Oh sup yo,
The Culinary Institute of America is the world’s premier culinary college. The students who attend this renowned institution undergo intense classes and rigorous hours of work, sometimes attended classes which begin at 1:15AM . You’d think that this is like a military school, correct?
No.
So it’s Friday night at about 3AM and I’m walking back to my room from my friend’s room. Naturally, because we are under the age of 21 and are responsible students who want to be the best we can be, we were studying partying. As I was walking, I noticed something about my campus: this place is mad sketchy! You see, since about 98% of the students here smoke (cigarettes and…other stuff), there is a rule set up that you must be sitting in one of the various gazebos around campus when you smoke. If you’re caught smoking outside of a gazebo, you get in trouble. Well, as I’m walking, all that I see are these clusters of drugged up students standing in gazebos looking like they could kill me at any second, and then I realized how trashy we must look to people who don’t actually go to this school!!
Therefore, I would like to just take some time to explain some of the different personalities of the students here at the CIA from the educational perspective. Considering we’re all here for the same thing, it’s an extremely competitive environment, so I have a lot of pent-up anger. This will be fun 🙂
1. The Good Students
Well, as would be expected, there are of course those kids here who study hard, do their homework on Friday nights, and “partying” means “listening to music until bedtime at 10PM”. These are about…3% of the student body. They’re sheltered students who are convinced that, because of the amount of time they put into their work, they MUST be correct about everything that they say, and everyone should listen to their superior knowledge about food as well as their principles on studying and applying oneself solely to one’s work. They’re like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the campus.
Ha, funny joke. I laugh.
2. The Gods and Goddesses
These are the students who have been cooking and baking since they were in diapers. They got their first jobs in a kitchen when they were 12, they live for food and food alone, they’ve studied every well-known and world-changing chef to have ever lived, they’ve eaten every cuisine to ever be created, they’ve eaten at famous restaurants around the world, they’re kind of ugly which explains why they have all the time to do this stuff, they’ve read like every food-based book to ever be written, and they follow all of these celebrity chefs on twitter and think that they’re equal to them. When they graduate from CIA, they expect to be offered a high up Sous Chef position right off the bat, and since they already know everything about food to begin with, they’re really only here for the degree. Despite the fact that these students can’t get above a B- in any of their classes, they believe that they are greater than God and they MUST be correct about everything that they say. After all, what do any of us know? They ate at a famous restaurant once.
Cats really are going to take over the world someday
3. The Workers
Workers are like demi-Gods and -Goddesses. They basically lived the same lives that they have, only not to the same extent. Most likely they actually have friends who don’t secretly hate them, which means that somewhere along the lines they had a social life outside of high school. Therefore, they study hard and take every opportunity they can get to practice cooking and better themselves. Because of the amount that they study, they are much better at recalling facts about food itself rather than techniques (which apply to the Gods and Goddesses), so therefore, they MUST be correct about everything they say because they know food better than anyone. Not only do they get off to their knowledge of food, but they also have an irrationally good time teaching others the facts that they know, usually in an accidentally condescending manner…..bitches.
Get on my level
4. The Newbies
This is where I fit in! The newbies are the people who love food, but also lived a normal teenage life which did not revolve solely around their career. They’re here at the school to learn everything that they can, and unfortunately, they have a difficult time impressing other people. Luckily, newbies rarely think that they MUST be correct about everything they say. However, they’re easily insulted and will most likely carry a grudge with them for a longer time than is necessary. Basically, they’ll cut some bitches.
5. The Druggies
Like I said, the large majority of the campus smokes, but that’s not all that goes down here. There are a lot of other drugs that are consumed on campus, and just about everyone knows where to go to get them, whether you’re a druggie or not. These are possibly the best students to know because of how chill they are with everything. They usually don’t look to be major leaders, and most of their contributions to group projects will involve choosing how much of which alcohol goes in what dish, but that’s okay, because they will ALWAYS choose the correct amounts and flavors. Basically, druggies are just straight up awesome as long as you don’t piss them off and don’t steal their weed cigarettes.
So much of my childhood has just been explained
6. The Minority
No, I’m not being racist, don’t get your hopes up. The Minority are the 1% of this school who are actually normal kids who don’t fit into any of the above groupings. They’re too social to be considered a good student, they haven’t studied enough to be a God or Goddess, they’re too modest to be a worker, they know more than a newbie does, and they don’t do enough drugs to be considered a druggie. Basically, have all 5 of the groups come together and have an orgy and they will produce a minority as a child. It’s like magic, 5 people produce one child. I think that in the long run, the minorities are the most genuine out of any of the groups, and they’ll be some of your better friends if you were to attend this school.
7. The How The Fuck Did You Get Into This School
Unfortunately, there are a lot of these kids. It just seems like something is missing from their heads, like it is impossible for people to be as naive uneducated slow straight up stupid as this. These are the kids who, for example, think putting mousse in the oven to cook is a good idea. Okay, now even if you’re not a foodie, think about it for a second: have you ever eaten hot, cooked mousse before? No. You haven’t. These kids….just…..I hate them.
8. The Asians
I swear I’m not being racist! I love Asian people and everything about them! The reason they get their own category is because CIA has a lot of foreign students from countries such as Korea, Singapore, China, Japan, and other countries in that general area. Asians apply themselves the best. If you were to go into one of the dorm kitchens on any given night of the week, you would probably find a group of Asians cooking a beautiful looking meal. They are some of the nicest people here on campus, and if you are paired up to work with one, you’re really lucky. They’re just great. In every way. It’s sad though, because for the most part, they only hang out with the other Asians, so they don’t love me back 😦
And there we have it! Now, just imagine all of these kids hanging out in a small cluster in the middle of the night looking like they could stab you.
This is a happy campus! Full of love and friendship! (lol jk we all basically hate more people than we like). But it’s whatever, we all have to deal with each other in our classes, so we pretend to get along as best as we can. Sure, sometimes we scream at each other, sometimes we wish each other dead, but it’s during those time that we think of all the happy moments. Remember that time we laughed at the kids doing lines of coke in the ope down at the gazebo? We’re not trashy. We’re not trashy one bit.
If you have any suggestions for what you want to read about, just let me know! I’ll be happy to oblige. This post was suggested by my sister, Sarah.
Til next time,
David
Life As We Know It 