Author Archives: waterboy1023

About waterboy1023

I'm a 19 year old boy from Long Island, New York who's interested in a lot of different stuff. I'm a student at the Culinary Institute of America, so I'm going to be a chef one day! I'm here mainly to write stuff, just because I like writing and pretending that I can be creative sometimes, so hopefully my blog can entertain you and maybe you'll even get a laugh or two from it. Hope you enjoy! Please comment as much as you like.

Hi, I’ll Be Your Server…So What Do You Want?


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Hi!

Okay, so for those of you who don’t know, I started working in restaurants when I was 12 years old.  I was the cute little bus boy who charmed all the old ladies and convinced them to leave everyone a bigger tip; so basically I’ve been a badass baller for my entire life.  Nowadays, I am currently waiting tables in class in the restaurants here at school.  Why is this important?  Because people are fucking idiots, that’s why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like something that everyone should do at one point in their lives is wait tables, because it’s time that everyone started to realize just how high maintenance and stupid restaurant-goers can be.  Like, I have no idea why it’s so difficult for some people to go out to eat without being mentally challenged.  I’ve been noticing this since I got my first job, and honestly, I’m still surprised at how difficult some people can be.

THEREFORE, in order to make the world a better place one rant at a time, I’m going to share some of my tips with you all for how to not be stupid customers at restaurants, because most likely, you’re one of these people that I hate.

1. Know what you want to drink.

It seems that something that no one realizes is that your server has tables to deal with other than you.  We can’t sit here all day and babysit you and hold your hand while you decide whether you want waffle fries or steak fries with your burger.  We also can’t sit here all day and wait for you to write your life story with the person that you’re out to eat with.  Now, when you go out to eat, what’s the first question that you’re always asked?  The answer: What would you like to drink?  So, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DRINK! Unless you’re reading the restaurant’s wine bible list, try not to look at your server like they’re speaking Chinese when they come up to your table within 2 minutes of you sitting down and ask you what you’d like to drink.  You should’ve seen this coming.

2. I’m not your slave, so put the whip away or bend over and take a little yourself.

I don’t care that you’re paying for this meal, you better treat me and my coworkers with the same amount of respect that we treat you.  Whenever someone says something along the lines of “I’m paying for this meal, so they should do whatever I want”, I kind of want to punch them in the face and then laugh at them.  I’m pretty sure that there is no sign in the restaurant saying that my soul belongs to you the second you sit down at your table, so have some courtesy and be polite to your server.

Yup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Don’t shoot the messenger.

The above being said, let’s acknowledge one other thing about being polite to your server: They’re not the one making your meal!  I hate when people catch an attitude because their food might be taking a little while to come out or something was cooked improperly.  Literally, let’s talk about what your server actually does: Writes down your food order and gives it to the kitchen.  A few minor details excluded, that’s basically it!  Then when the food comes up, your server will bring it to your table.  Unless they screwed up your order, they have done nothing wrong in regards to timing or preparation of food, so don’t be rude to your server if the kitchen is a little behind.  Do that to me and I will kick you in the shins with the defense that it’s okay because the economy is bad.  It’s basically the same thing: me being rude to you for something that you have no control over (unless you’re part of the government……..)

Whoever did this needs to get shot. Also, you spelled "lose" wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Foreign people don’t speak English.

I dare you to live your entire life and never go to a restaurant that doesn’t have a server or busboy who doesn’t speak English well.  You think it’s hard for you to communicate with them, but step into their shoes for a second!  This is their job, they have it 10x worse!  So you know what?  Have a little patience, and if it gets to the point where you really can’t get a message across, politely ask to speak to someone else!  Oh, and while we’re on this topic, let’s talk about how else you’re stupid: Don’t go to a Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, or other ethnic restaurant then throw a fit when the staff doesn’t speak English.  That’s a fail on your part, so don’t even try to defend yourself with that one.

5. Expect what you’re gonna get.

Don’t go to Applebees and complain that the quality of the food is shitty.  It’s simple as that.

6. The staff wants to go home.

It’s fine if you’re enjoying your time, that’s what we want.  However, when you paid your check 2 hours ago and the restaurant is closed and the staff is mopping around your table, then it’s time to move the conversation somewhere else, because the employees can’t leave until you do, and seriously, it’s really boring standing in the back and staring at you.

7. You are not always right.

Sometimes the restaurant doesn’t have a kid’s menu.  Sometimes they’ll be playing Frank Sinatra on the radio when you’re more into Radiohead.  If the restaurant can’t cater to your every wish, but you see that they actually are trying, then just accept it.  If they’re blatantly ignoring you, though, then it’s fine to cop a little attitude and give back what you receive.  However, remember that every place that you go has its own list of policies and lines which it cannot cross.

Remember, you can catch an attitude with us, but we handle your food before you get it 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Control your children.

BEAT. YOUR. CHILREN.  IF THEY’RE ON THE FLOOR, PICK THEM THE FUCK UP.  IF THEY’RE RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING, STOP THEM!  IF THEY’RE GOING ON ADVENTURES UNDER THE TABLES, MAKE THEM SIT STILL!  IF THEY’RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK BY THE ENTRANCE, MAKE THEM GO OUTSIDE!  CHILDREN ARE SO ANNOYING WHEN THEIR PARENTS SUCK, AND STRAIGHT UP, I’M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW: YOU SUCK.  YOU SUCK SO HARD.  CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN.

9. You are not Jesus.

Speaking of you sucking, if you’re one of those people that just has a snotty personality to begin with, then please get out now because I don’t want your money.  If you’re going to go somewhere and insult everything about the place, then just don’t go there!  No one likes you!  You’re probably really ugly, too.

10. Say thank you.

You server is working hard to make you happy.  Be grateful.

So that’s basically it off the top of my head.  In short, please be polite to the staff at the restaurant.  Remember, they have a big job to do, and if they’re working hard and you can’t be polite to them in return, then leave.  I get that there are those servers out there that hate life and obviously want you dead, and they’re a different story, but if you have the 18 year old who’s working 6 tables by him/herself, then be nice and patient, because they have a lot to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vote in this poll so you can see how many people have experienced these problems!

 

K bye!

David

 

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15 Miles, Uphill Both Ways, In The Snow.


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Hello!

Okay, I have a serious issue to talk about this time.  Children.  Basically, I love kids.  However, I’ve recently discovered that kids nowadays are being raised to be spoiled, rotten, inappropriate, immature brats who have no idea how to behave in any setting, public or private.  Honestly, I blame it on the current changes in society.

Here are the reasons why I think every kid is fucked up currently (and for the record, when I say “kid”, I’m referring to anyone under 16 in the present day): they’re spoiled, they have way too much freedom, and society fucking sucks.

I miss the original Willy Wonka movie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, do you find yourself with a bratty kid who needs a good taste of reality?  Here’s a solution: BEAT. YOUR. CHILDREN.  Now I’m not talking about actual abuse, but there’s a pretty big difference between purposely attempting to harm your child and giving him or her a slap on the ass because they’re being fresh.  And please, start this at a young age!  I HATE when I’m in public and some kid is climbing on everything and screaming and pissing in a corner and the mother is just like “Now Johnny, that’s not using your good manners!”  You know what Mom?  Stop being an idiot, grab your kid by the collar, whip out the wooden spoon, and show them what happens when they “don’t use their good manners.”  Honestly, I can’t wait to beat my children if and when I have some.  They’re going to be the most behaved kids on the face of the planet, because dad’s not gonna take any of their shit.

Yes, Mommy Dearest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, if you’re too much of a pussy if you aren’t comfortable with being physical with your children, making them stand in the corner when they’re being a brat is always effective as well.  This was a favorite for me when I was growing up, and honestly, all those times facing the wall really gave me stuff to think about, and now I even consider myself somewhat of a philosopher.  Here’s one of my philosophies: BEAT. YOUR. CHILDREN. No matter what, if your kid is misbehaving, punish him/her!  But seriously, bring your child to a formal dinner party and make them say a genuine hello to every person there.  Teach them how to have a conversation and act like an adult, even if they’re only 5 years old.  If your kid is being a brat at the dinner table, don’t let them leave and go play.  Make them sit and endure dinner quietly or face the consequences of a grounding when they get home.  Remember that word, “grounded”?  Whatever happened to that?  I haven’t heard it in years.  Take away everything that makes them happy and make them suffer.  Don’t give them what they want, show them that there are rules.  If they’re climbing on stuff, pull them down and scold them.  If they’re pooping in the corner, shove their face in it.  Oh, sorry, did I just compare your children to a dog?  Hm, sorry I’m NOT sorry, actually.

I get that it's funny, but does anyone else think it's really sick, too?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, why is every kid in the present day “special” or “gifted”?  They’re not.  Like, no.  Your child did not come out of the womb as Jesus, so shut up, because your kid isn’t special.  And let me elaborate further!  Your child, who has some kind of talent for something, is not special either!  For example, let’s say your kid is good at the piano.  He/she isn’t special.  It’s either because it’s asian (yay stereotypes!) or because you send it to lessons and make it practice.  The end.  So shut up. Stop making your kid out to be more than it is, but rather, praise it for where it excels and leave it at that.  Example: “My son is a piano prodigy!” My response: “No, your son practices a lot and it’s paying off.”

I also would like to say that parents are way too weak nowadays.  I was in Starbucks the other day, and there was a kid there who seriously needed to try a salad, and he was pestering his mom for some of the sketchy Starbucks cheesecake, and she kept saying no, and he kept asking, and she gave in and bought it for him!  No!  By the way, this was at like 2 in the afternoon.  Why does your 400 pound 9-year-old need cheesecake that early in the day?  Also, why are you giving in?!  Tell him no and that life is tough and maybe he can have it if he takes a lap!

But actually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, the current fucked-up-ness of children isn’t entirely the parents’ faults.  Society is getting children involved in everything far too early.  You have 9 year olds with cell phones (you know, because they really need them), children’s television series are always geared around “getting into relationships”, and there’s some shit about subliminal messages thrown in there, too.  However, that doesn’t mean that parents can’t stop this, too.  Does your 9 year old really need a cell phone?  Who are they calling?  You?  From where? If you’re letting your 9 year olds go out by themselves without some kind of adult supervision, you have seriously bigger problems than the fact that your kid has a phone to begin with.  Also, you can shelter your kids from television shows, and you should.  Why does your child need to be watching shows on MTV?  Please give me your reasoning for that one, I can’t wait to hear it.  Oh, you want grandkids early? Well, then you’re making the right decisions.

I don't want to be alive anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a culinarian in training, I feel obligated to also preach about how your kid should be living a healthy lifestyle.  I know a person who mainly feeds her son and daughter McDonalds chicken nuggets because “that’s all they’ll eat.”  Oh, I forgot to mention the kids are 5 AND 3 YEARS OLD!  Let them starve!  I can assure you they’ll eat something else.  That’s just straight up stupidity right there, I’m sorry, I can find no way to defend you on this one.  In no way is McDonalds a “healthy choice”, no matter what changes to the company they’re making.  Cook dinner every night, and make sure it’s not a Paula Deen recipe.

Parents, remember, we all went through the same shit growing up.  We were beat when we were bad, we played baseball with sticks and rocks because that’s all we had, and we had to walk 15 miles to school uphill both ways in the snow with cardboard in our shoes on a daily basis.  If it worked for us, why won’t it work for your kids?  Don’t give me that bullshit that parenting is hard.  I know that it’s hard, but take a second to reflect on your life and think about how you were raised.  Also, think about whether or not YOU were raised by an idiot parent.  Your kids are alone at school more hours in the day than they’re home with you, so make sure they know how to behave so that their grades can be high and they don’t end up smoking crack and getting each other pregnant in the locker rooms.

So true

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, that’s my two-cents on this matter!  Hope it reached some of you, because seriously, I’m sick of kids and their shit.

You love your kids, don’t you?  Why are you raising them to be an embarrassment?

David


50 Things Society Needs


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

50 Things Society Needs:

1. For everyone to just shut up and mind their own business — Click here if you need further explanation.

2. For there to be a person out there who is paid by the government to punch stupid people in the face.

3. For teachers to be paid higher salaries — You know, they’re only educating our drug-addicted, pregnant, technology-addicted, weak, hopeless future.

4. For everyone to just love each other and bake cakes out of rainbows and smiles.

Awwwwwww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Education about real life (or rather, a freshman class called “The Outside World 101”) — I just Googled “What is health care?”

6. For saying the phrase “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” to be against the law.

7. For the United Nations to actually unite the nations — I’m pretty sure a pizza and beer pong party could solve so many problems.  And I’m being 100% serious right now.

8. For TV shows such as “16 and Pregnant” and “Toddlers and Tiaras” to be cancelled — They encourage America’s white-trashiness.  Seriously, like, are we THAT sleazy?  Why are these good ideas for shows? Like, let’s start up a show called “The Real Housewives Of The Dirty-Ass Trailer Park On The Side Of Town That Mom Tells Me Not To Go To”.

9. Gay marriage legalized like, everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. For America to stop eating so much — Let’s cut down and send some food to Africa/China/the Middle East/Alabama.

-Plus America is pretty fat and ugly.  Yes, you.  Go outside and exercise.  Now. Please.  Do the rest of us a favor.

11. For there to be a person paid by the government to shoot douchebags who play the guitar — Click here if you need a clearer definition of what a douchebag with a guitar is.

12. Bras for men.

13. For all this “we have a crappy economy” shit to end.  I’m not buying it (no pun intended) (Okay, slight pun intended) (LAUGH, BITCH!)

14. For 90’s kids television to come back.

15. For “The Situation” to get punched in the face.

I love books

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. For prostitution to be legal — If you got it, you should be able to get it.

17. For schools to bring back dodgeball and stop raising weak-ass punks who think they’re the shit.

18. For every school to teach a martial arts class — I’m pretty sure discipline, focus, and good attitude makes up for the fact that kids will be punching each other…with soft pads on their fists.  I mean, the Asians do it.  I have yet to see a downside to this.

19. For Pokemon to be real.

20. For there to be a mandatory educational video shown to all new parents called “How To Not Raise Your Kids Like An Idiot”.

21. For America to switch over to the metric system.

Hmmmmmmmm

 

22. For “Bing” to just stop trying.

23. For people to realize when they’re being bitchy — And not get mad when someone/I call them out for it.

24. Shoe vending machines — We’ve all seen those girls walking around with a broken heel.  Let’s give ’em a break.

25. Free college — So that everyone can know what “post-secondary education” means.

26. Death to slow walking people/slow drivers.

Yeah, I do this. But I also give them an obvious dirty look.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27. Free samples. EVERYWHERE.

28. For it to be socially acceptable to break out in song in public places — And for everyone to know the dance.

29. Death to racism — Let’s all just make fun of each other’s stereotypes and hate each other equally!

30. Ninjas.

31. Over-the-counter birth control.

32. A washing machine that automatically converts into a dryer.

33. Toilet TVs

34. More sassy black women

Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35. For Oprah to just launch her takeover — Seriously, think about it.  If Oprah is supreme overlord president, we would get so much free stuff!  Like health care!

36. Beer water fountains.

37. For young teenage girls to stop being whores.

Can I move out of this country, now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

38.  For the ketchup bottle to always be full.

39. For everyone to have superpowers if they want.

40. Death to loud chewers — There is no excuse to chew loudly.  None.  Whatsoever. You CAN help it, so don’t give me that bullcrap.  Change or kill yourself.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

41. For there to be a book written called “How To Blend In When You’re An Annoying-Ass Tourist”

42. For the falling piece of pizza to never land on the cheese side.

43. For products to actually work like they do in the commercials — Swishy backgrounds and all!

44. For kids to realize that they’re not cool if they drink and smoke weed when they’re 14 and 15.

45. For Facebook to have a “dislike” button — So I can dislike every picture of your face.

46. For GPS systems to tell you to turn before you’re past the actual turn.

Story of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

47. For farts to smell less horrible.

48. For there to be an age limit on the validity of driver’s licenses — Sometimes people are just too old to be driving.

49. Double stuffed oreos that don’t make you fat.

50. For Me to just be in charge of everything — I would do so much good for this world.

Well, these won’t solve all of society’s problems (except for that last one), but they would definitely help improve everyone’s lives significantly.  So, I propose that we all get on making all of this happen, especially the one about Pokemon 🙂

Special thanks go to Kristina DePalma, Stephanie Eyster (Check out her life blog by clicking here!), Amanda Welsh (Check out her food blog by clicking here!), and Justin Beaver for helping me with this one!

Follow me on twitter (@D_Mamms) for more of my daily random thoughts and let me know if there’s anything that you want to read about for next time!

David


What I Took Away From 11 Years Of Catholic School


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Once upon a time there was this guy called God.  God was just chilling in his God-house when he was like: “I should make a universe,” and so he did.  So God spent a whole week making the Earth and the Universe and the Sun and his main bro “Adam” and Adam’s love-partner “Eve” and they all named the animals together and everyone was happy and joyous.  Then, this crazy-ass snake comes out, and like, the snake’s the Devil in disguise, so he’s all like “Hey Eve, eat this apple/pomegranate/other-debated-about-fruit and you’ll be smart like God” but then Eve was all “No, snake.  God told me not to,” but then she ate it anyway and she gave it to Adam too and he ate it.  Then God punished them because they broke this rule and He shrunk Eve’s vagina so that it would hurt to have kids (and later in life, one of Eve’s sons killed the other).

Yep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fast-forward a few years and everything’s fucked up, and God is all like talking to Noah and being like “I’m gonna flood the Earth and kill everyone, but save my animal friends because they’re not mistakes like you all are” and Noah’s like “Okay” so he builds an ark and that’s how the dinosaurs actually died.

Life would 10 times more fun if there were raptors running around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and somewhere around this time there’s this guy called Samson and he’s really strong cause he observes religious law, and he falls in love with this chick named Delilah and the priests pay Delilah to find out Samson’s weakness and so she does and she cuts his hair which is against his religious practices and so he loses all of his strength and then he’s being tortured but he gets his God-strength back and kills everyone.  Except I think Delilah got away.  Whatever, she was a hoe.

Regina Spektor, you told the story better than anyone could

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there are all of these Jews in slavery in Egypt and God’s like setting a bush on fire and talking to Moses and Moses is all like “Yo, my mom put me in a basket when I was little and floated me down a river, OF COURSE I’ll lead the Jews out of Egypt,” and so he does, and I feel like this is when Hannukah was invented, too.  I’m not really sure.

L'chaim!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So then, God is still trying to teach His people a lesson, so he tells Jonah to go to Nineveh because it’s like ghetto there and everyone needs to just stop, and Jonah’s like “No, I’m scared,” and so he runs away, and you know what God does?  He gets Jonah eaten by a fish.  So that’s what you get for trying to run away from God.  You get eaten by a fish.  But then Jonah’s like “I’m sorry!” so the fish throws up cause its bulimic and Jonah goes to Nineveh and preaches and everyone’s happy and Nineveh actually turns into an okay place to live.  Like the Bronx.

Let's be real, this wouldn't be a post by me if it didn't have a cat picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then it’s Christmas time and God’s like “I want a son!” so He tells Mary that she’s super-holy so she gets to birth Jesus, and Joseph doesn’t know how he feels about this at first, but after a chat with his therapist an angel, he’s like “Okay, this is fine.”  Then Jesus is born and all of these people are coming to visit him and bringing him presents because he’s the God-king!  And then Jesus turns 12 and he starts to preach in a temple and his parents are like “We couldn’t find you!” and he’s like “I was at church, duh.”  And then when Jesus gets older he gets this crew and they start to preach and everyone’s really happy.  But then the priests are like “Jesus is stealing our thunder” so they plan to have him crucified which is really sad cause like, Jesus was a good guy and all.  He did lots of nice things for people, and he really made a lot of people happy.  Like, he was tight with a hooker, and like, his first miracle was getting everyone drunk at a wedding with his mom, and like, he gave sight to  blind dude.

Bahahaha he got them drunk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But then, three days later, the Easter bunny showed up and was like “JESUS IS ALIVE!” and threw eggs at the priests who killed Jesus, and sure enough, Jesus showed up to his crew and was like “Whuddup.  I’m back,” and everyone was happy to see him but then he had to go back to heaven to chill with God, so all the disciples got the power of the Holy Spirit and they went out and preached and that was when Catholicism was born! Yay Jesus!

I know I'm not the only one thinking this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So now it’s the present day and God’s like “Wow I fucked up” but that’s okay because He loves us still anyway (as much as a parent can love his drug-addicted, whorey, mentally unstable, warring, teenage children).  So God is good.  And Jesus will save us.  So pray, because the Antichrist is gonna show up one day and that’s going to be the end of the world (a.k.a. 12/21/2012), and you better have a good spiritual permanent record when you show up at Heaven or St. Peter is gonna be like “No, you go to Hell” and then he’s gonna push you off the cloud and you’re gonna go to Hell and it’s gonna suck for you.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wow, I can’t believe I just summarized that Bible like that.  I’m bound to get beat for that, but whatevs, let’s talk about how I’m sure that this is what a lot of people think the actual Bible is.  I’m not trying to shove religion down your throat, I actually do have a point to this.  For whatever reason, the internet has been blowing up lately with videos of some guy saying a poem about how God is good but the Church sucks (Click here to see it), pictures about how other religions are oppressed but they actually aren’t, and all this other shit that legit is just like “I’m wasting my time looking at this.”

I think this makes my point. Does it matter how bottom-picture-girl practices her religion? No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s my thought.  Let’s all just shut up!  Not only do I believe in Jesus, but I also believe in aliens and I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts letter and maybe I take all the anime that I watch a little too seriously.  I believe in what I believe in, I have my likes and my dislikes, and you know what?  I’m not trying to get together a group of followers, and so far, I’m pretty sure no one hates me for this.  So, with terrorism being what it is in the name of whatever the fuck god everyone over in bumblefuck-slovania-istan is worshiping, I think that we could all just put an end to all of this fighting if we all just left each other the fuck alone.  You stay on your side of the ocean, I’ll stay on mine, and I promise, if I ever come to your country, I won’t bomb you.

And, you know what?  If my above little monologue didn’t convince you of anything, then here’s something that will: if your religion says that I’m going to Hell because I don’t follow your religion, but then another religion says that you’re going to Hell because you don’t follow their religion, then guess what?  We’re all just going to Hell!  We have created an endless cycle of putting people in Hell.  We might as well be saying “You’re going to Hell because you like chocolate chip pancakes instead of blueberry”.  Do I need to bomb you over your pancake choices?  No.  And I’m pretty sure the god of IHOP doesn’t want me to bomb you for your pancake choices, so stop bombing people!  We’re all going to Hell!

Thank you for your time.  Amen, Praise Jesus, Praise Allah, Praise Buddah, Praise Jewish-God, Praise whoever the fuck you want to praise, because honestly, I don’t have time to waste worrying about what you care about, and you shouldn’t have this time either.  Go plant a tree. There are polar bears dying in the arctic.

David


The End Of The World


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Happy New Year Mothafuckas!

Wow, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted something, and with an obscenely important test tomorrow to study for, I have decided to make a Jesus out of my blog and resurrect it!

Yepp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So hello!  Yes, I was dead to the world for a couple of weeks, but now I’m back and hornier better than ever! It’s a new year and a new personality for me, as I’ve decided that my New Years resolution would be to answer any question that I’m asked honestly (except when people ask where the bodies are.  That would just take the fun out of it all 🙂 )

However, with 2012 comes the end of the world as well.  Am I the only one freakishly excited to die in a horrible apocalypse?  Yeaaah!

Lol jk I’m not that much of a douchebag; I don’t believe that the world is going to end, but I’m gonna talk about it anyway!

Yeah whatevs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see, everyone’s predicting that like, the sun is going to explode, or the horrible meteor is going to come and kill all the dinosaurs again, or like, Atlantis will like…explode BUT ANYWAY that’s not how I think it’s gonna happen.  Oh no, that’s far too fast and painless.  Here’s how it’s REALLY going to happen:

Can someone get this for me in black?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see, it’s all going to be the next generation’s fault.  Of course, it will have nothing to do with my generation because we are precious gifts sent from the Jesus to only do good for the Earth.  However, the next generation is full of pussies.  Yeah, that’s right, I said it.  When I grew up, I was not special and I got beat with a wooden spoon.  On the playground, I had to fend for myself, and you know what?  I was a little bitch, and not in the good way.  But you know what that taught me?  Life’s hardships!

However, the current youth of our day, with their “everyone’s special in their own way” and “we all love each other and DON’T punch each other in the face” mindset have no idea how to fight their own battles.  Also, they’re all robots controlled by technology.  I got my first cell phone in 8th grade, and that was considered really early.  However, let’s talk about the kids in 4th grade with higher-tech cell phones than I have, iPods, and other technologies of the sort.  These things are food and water to these kids.

Well, I’m predicting that someone’s gonna die this year.  I don’t know who it is, but whoever it is will be extremely important to the technology business, and you know what’s gonna happen? All of the iPhones in the world are going to just die.  Every XBOX 360 will instantly explode into tiny pieces.  iPods will play nothing but Rick Astley.  And the result of this will be:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep, that’s gonna be it.  The world will go insane and riots will start.  Without our technology, companies will crumble and organizations will disappear in an instant.  Cities will burn.  Children will be reduced to nothing but mindless corpses, not knowing how to handle life.

And then we’ll all die.

And that’s pretty much it!  Let’s face it, we’ll lead to our own destruction before any natural event will.  All that we need is for us to start to revert back to the olden days when kids knew how to beat each other up and baseball was played with rocks.  And we hunted for our dinners (WATER BUFFALO MOTHAFUCKAS!)

It's so true, though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, this was my resurrection post!  Look forward to the next one!

Follow me on twitter @D_Mamms for more random thoughts from my head as I avoid studying.

K bye!

David


…And We All Have Sex With Each Other


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Oh sup yo,

The Culinary Institute of America is the world’s premier culinary college.  The students who attend this renowned institution undergo intense classes and rigorous hours of work, sometimes attended classes which begin at 1:15AM .  You’d think that this is like a military school, correct?

No.

So it’s Friday night at about 3AM and I’m walking back to my room from my friend’s room.  Naturally, because we are under the age of 21 and are responsible students who want to be the best we can be, we were studying  partying.  As I was walking, I noticed something about my campus: this place is mad sketchy!  You see, since about 98% of the students here smoke (cigarettes and…other stuff), there is a rule set up that you must be sitting in one of the various gazebos around campus when you smoke.  If you’re caught smoking outside of a gazebo, you get in trouble.  Well, as I’m walking, all that I see are these clusters of drugged up students standing in gazebos looking like they could kill me at any second, and then I realized how trashy we must look to people who don’t actually go to this school!!

Therefore, I would like to just take some time to explain some of the different personalities of the students here at the CIA from the educational perspective.  Considering we’re all here for the same thing, it’s an extremely competitive environment, so I have a lot of pent-up anger.  This will be fun 🙂

1.  The Good Students

Well, as would be expected, there are of course those kids here who study hard, do their homework on Friday nights, and “partying” means “listening to music until bedtime at 10PM”.  These are about…3% of the student body.  They’re sheltered students who are convinced that, because of the amount of time they put into their work, they MUST be correct about everything that they say, and everyone should listen to their superior knowledge about food as well as their principles on studying and applying oneself solely to one’s work.  They’re like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the campus.

Ha, funny joke. I laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  The Gods and Goddesses

These are the students who have been cooking and baking since they were in diapers.  They got their first jobs in a kitchen when they were 12, they live for food and food alone, they’ve studied every well-known and world-changing chef to have ever lived, they’ve eaten every cuisine to ever be created, they’ve eaten at famous restaurants around the world, they’re kind of ugly which explains why they have all the time to do this stuff, they’ve read like every food-based book to ever be written, and they follow all of these celebrity chefs on twitter and think that they’re equal to them.  When they graduate from CIA, they expect to be offered a high up Sous Chef position right off the bat, and since they already know everything about food to begin with, they’re really only here for the degree.  Despite the fact that these students can’t get above a B- in any of their classes, they believe that they are greater than God and they MUST be correct about everything that they say.  After all, what do any of us know?  They ate at a famous restaurant once.

Cats really are going to take over the world someday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  The Workers

Workers are like  demi-Gods and -Goddesses.  They basically lived the same lives that they have, only not to the same extent.  Most likely they actually have friends who don’t secretly hate them, which means that somewhere along the lines they had a social life outside of high school.  Therefore, they study hard and take every opportunity they can get to practice cooking and better themselves.  Because of the amount that they study, they are much better at recalling facts about food itself rather than techniques (which apply to the Gods and Goddesses), so therefore, they MUST be correct about everything they say because they know food better than anyone.  Not only do they get off to their knowledge of food, but they also have an irrationally good time teaching others the facts that they know, usually in an accidentally condescending manner…..bitches.

Get on my level

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  The Newbies

This is where I fit in!  The newbies are the people who love food, but also lived a normal teenage life which did not revolve solely around their career.  They’re here at the school to learn everything that they can, and unfortunately, they have a difficult time impressing other people.  Luckily, newbies rarely think that they MUST be correct about everything they say.  However, they’re easily insulted and will most likely carry a grudge with them for a longer time than is necessary.  Basically, they’ll cut some bitches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  The Druggies

Like I said, the large majority of the campus smokes, but that’s not all that goes down here.  There are a lot of other drugs that are consumed on campus, and just about everyone knows where to go to get them, whether you’re a druggie or not.  These are possibly the best students to know because of how chill they are with everything.  They usually don’t look to be major leaders, and most of their contributions to group projects will involve choosing how much of which alcohol goes in what dish, but that’s okay, because they will ALWAYS choose the correct amounts and flavors.  Basically, druggies are just straight up awesome as long as you don’t piss them off and don’t steal their weed cigarettes.

So much of my childhood has just been explained

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  The Minority

No, I’m not being racist, don’t get your hopes up.  The Minority are the 1% of this school who are actually normal kids who don’t fit into any of the above groupings.  They’re too social to be considered a good student, they haven’t studied enough to be a God or Goddess, they’re too modest to be a worker, they know more than a newbie does, and they don’t do enough drugs to be considered a druggie.  Basically, have all 5 of the groups come together and have an orgy and they will produce a minority as a child.  It’s like magic, 5 people produce one child.  I think that in the long run, the minorities are the most genuine out of any of the groups, and they’ll be some of your better friends if you were to attend this school.

7.  The How The Fuck Did You Get Into This School

Unfortunately, there are a lot of these kids.  It just seems like something is missing from their heads, like it is impossible for people to be as naive uneducated slow straight up stupid as this.  These are the kids who, for example, think putting mousse in the oven to cook is a good idea.  Okay, now even if you’re not a foodie, think about it for a second: have you ever eaten hot, cooked mousse before?  No.  You haven’t.  These kids….just…..I hate them.

 

 

 

 

8.  The Asians

I swear I’m not being racist!  I love Asian people and everything about them!  The reason they get their own category is because CIA has a lot of foreign students from countries such as Korea, Singapore, China, Japan, and other countries in that general area.  Asians apply themselves the best.  If you were to go into one of the dorm kitchens on any given night of the week, you would probably find a group of Asians cooking a beautiful looking meal.  They are some of the nicest people here on campus, and if you are paired up to work with one, you’re really lucky.  They’re just great.  In every way.  It’s sad though, because for the most part, they only hang out with the other Asians, so they don’t love me back 😦

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there we have it!  Now, just imagine all of these kids hanging out in a small cluster in the middle of the night looking like they could stab you.

This is a happy campus!  Full of love and friendship! (lol jk we all basically hate more people than we like).  But it’s whatever, we all have to deal with each other in our classes, so we pretend to get along as best as we can.  Sure, sometimes we scream at each other, sometimes we wish each other dead, but it’s during those time that we think of all the happy moments.  Remember that time we laughed at the kids doing lines of coke in the ope down at the gazebo?  We’re not trashy.  We’re not trashy one bit.

If you have any suggestions for what you want to read about, just let me know!  I’ll be happy to oblige.  This post was suggested by my sister, Sarah.

Til next time,

David


The 7 Deadly Chefs


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Buenos nachos,

Today’s post was suggested by my sister, Sarah, who just recently discovered the existence of my blog!  I was given raving reviews from her, and so along with a large boost to my self-esteem/ego, I also was given a bunch of new ideas for what to write about!  So, readers, you’ll be happy to know that, no, I’m not shutting up just yet.

Anyway, let’s get into this shizz.  As you all know (or I’m assuming you all know), I attend culinary school and plan on making a career out of being a chef.  What you might not know, though, is that chefs aren’t all prim and proper with our hospitable attitudes and freshly pressed white coats.  Oh no, those are the nice men who take you to the bouncy room when you finally lose it.  In reality, us chefs are actually kind of really trashy.  In fact, the culinary career has one of the highest amounts of drug addicts and alcoholics within it (so if any of you have any good coke connections, hit me up…..I can sell that shit).

Now, we all know the food network and other various cooking shows on other channels: Giada De Laurentiis has a GIANT head and needs to eat a sandwich, Alton Brown makes himself sound really smart, and Man vs. Food guy just gets fatter by the minute.  But don’t even start to try and tell me that celebrity chefs are all happy and healthy with their 30 minute meals and down-home cooking.  Just read any of Anthony Bourdain’s books, he tells it like it is (or drive past my school on a Friday night.  The smell of weed is so strong, you might as well think the bakers are making special brownies for our on-campus bakery).

Get it, Giada

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That being said, I am taking it upon myself to call out all of the celebrity chefs.  Well, not necessarily all of them.  Since I am a messenger of the Lord, I’m going to call out the celebrity chef incarnations of the seven deadly sins.  Since us chefs are basically sinners anyway, it’s only natural that we would go so far as to be “deadly sinners”.  After all, who’s ever heard of Chef Pope Light Of God?

1. Pride – An excessive belief in one’s abilities.  Also known as vanity.

Chef – Anthony Bourdain

I swear this naked picture will make so much sense when you finish this paragraph

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry Tony, but I’m callin’ you out first.  To be honest, I’m very much a fan of you.  You tell it like it is and don’t take shit from haters, but then I have some problems with you as well.  I’ve read your books, seen your TV shows, and now I just have one question for you: Where do you screw up?  I’m sorry, I had no idea that you were Jesus.  In all of your books, you only tell of one time when you actually made a mistake.  Well, actually, that’s incorrect.  You tell us of maybe four times, but three of those four times, you conveniently stood up to the chef who was ridiculing you and instantly earned his respect.  And then you got famous, naturally.  And when you’re being all famous, you never seem to screw up.  I mean, even Rachel Ray drops a bottle of EVOO every now and then, but I guess she’s not a certified chef so it’s natural for that to happen.  Basically, I’m sick of your perfect life.  You’ve traveled the world, have a successful marriage (which is a HUGE deal in this career), and also seem to walk on water.  Well, I’d like to see some of the outtakes from your TV show.  I guess that in the end, though, your sketchiness all comes down to one philosophy that I’ve heard in every kitchen I’ve worked in and every class I’ve ever attended: never trust a skinny chef.

2. Envy – The desire for another’s traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Chef – Pat Neely

Their TV show is like soft-core porn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The male half of the beautiful couple who are madly in love and basically have vocal dry sex during their entire TV show.  Legit, the amount of times they call each other “baby” just makes me think that at least one of them must be having a little too much fun being on television.  And we ALL know that it’s Gina.  She’s loving that TV show so much, she pushes Pat out of the spotlight at any chance she gets, and he just won’t accept that!  The issue, though, is that he even gets a little desperate for some camera love, and it shows.  I mean, Pat, you try really hard and all, but let’s get real, the program is all about your wife.  Just like your marriage.  I have some advice for you, though.  Just keep smiling and spend a little more time at the restaurant and let Gina take over the show.  Like really, you get an A for effort!  I’ve seen your show and I can see just how hard your trying!  But really….just no.  You’ve lost.  Submit to your wife.

3. Gluttony – An inordinate desire to consume more than that which one desires.

Chef – Paula Deen

It's like she's staring into my soul......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First lemme give you your props: I can tell from your show that you do care about making good food, and honestly I have no doubts that your fried chicken is the best in the south.  However, is a hamburger between two glazed donuts really necessary (CLICK THE LINK)?  That’s a little excessive, even for me.  I’m going to back up Anthony Bourdain when he says that you’re going to kill all of us with the food that you’re serving, and actually, I’m just going to start up a general conspiracy theory right here and now.  Not only are you going to kill us, but you’re TRYING to kill us.  Paula, I’m not buying the nice old lady with silver hair who looks like she should be married to Santa Claus.  I mean, bacon-wrapped-fried-macaroni-and-cheese?? Really??  And don’t even get me going on deep fried butter.  Go ahead Paula, encourage America’s obesity numbers.

4. Lust – An inordinate craving for pleasures of the body.

Chef – Sandra Lee

Push 'em out, Sandra

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s my first question, Sandra: Are you even a chef?  I’m too lazy to Google this, but I’m going to guess that you’re like Rachel Ray and got a TV show because you found something about food that you’re good at (that being purchasing pre-sliced mushrooms and tossing them with lettuce and calling it a salad).  Secondly, let’s talk about your clothes.  You realize I watch your show for your tits, right?  They’re not even that big, but like straight up, they’re there.  Just chilling.  Sandra and her sidekicks.  Thirdly, what’s up with the cocktail time.  Why are you trying to get all of your viewers drunk?  I’m just waiting for the day when you give a recipe along the lines of “1 part orange juice, 16 parts vodka”.  Basically, I can’t tell if you’re the nice woman on TV or the stripper at the bar who just finished her shift and doesn’t want to go to bed alone that night.  You’re flashing your boobs at anything that’ll look and you’re trying to get me really drunk.  For those of you who need more convincing, click this link: Sandra beggin’ for the cock.

5. Anger – Manifested in the individual who spurns love but opts instead for fury.  Also known as Wrath.

Chef – Gordon Ramsey

Gordon: BITCH I WILL KILL YOU!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Didn’t we all see this one coming?  I want multiple TV shows where I just run around and scream at people.  I mean, I basically do that already anyway.  Anyway Gordon, it is so apparent that you care about the food you put out enough to stab someone over it.  However, I sometimes question if you chose the correct sect of the culinary world.  You should’ve been a butcher.  Think about it, a whole room full of dead things just asking you to hit them with hammers, cut them up, and even use a chainsaw if you have to!  Doesn’t that sound fun?!  It’s like Disneyland, but for sadists!  My issue, though, is that according to this video, you’ve been this way your entire life: Click here for the emotional scarring of a young actor.

6. Greed – The desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual.  Also know as Avarice.

Chef – Ina Garten

Sexy can I?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that I’m gonna get shot for this one, but yes, even Ina isn’t safe from this.  Let’s talk about your TV show.  Basically, all I hear when you talk is “Let me exploit my friends and their lives so that my show can be a success.  My husband is smart, he works at that school, but now we’re not going to talk about him anymore because it’s my time.  It’s Ina’s time…..INAAAAA!” and then you talk about wine and some other stuff.  Regardless though, all I ever see is you surprising your friends  inviting yourself over people’s houses and accepting kind-hearted gifts in return for your thoughtfulness mooching off of these people when they go on wine tours around the Hamptons.  Remind me never to eat at your house, because honestly, I don’t think I could ever afford an acceptable food or beverage item to bring with me.  Also, you kind of have a weird name, but that’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault, Ina.  It’s not your fault.

7. Sloth – The avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Chef – Bobby Flay

This is my serious face.........grrrrr

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have like an irrational dislike of Bobby Flay, and I really don’t know why.  Seriously, though, anytime I see him I just want to be like “…I hate you.”  Anyway, how is it that an Iron Chef with his own restaurant who is one of the most well-known chefs in the world could be categorized under “sloth”?  Well, that’s easy.  “The Throwdown with Bobby Flay”.  Here’s a quick synopsis of the show:  Bobby Flay travels around the country and challenges home-cook and Mom and Pop Restaurant cooks who happen to have made an award winning dish once.  They make their dish, he makes a spin off of the dish, and in the end, Bobby Flay always loses.  HOWEVER, he makes millions of dollars off of losing a competition!  He doesn’t need to put any effort in whatsoever because the whole point of the show is that he loses!  We know based off of his Iron Chef statistics that he can actually cook, so this is basically him going on TV, smiling to the camera, and purposely doing no work whatsoever.  Is this a brilliant business scheme?  Hell yes!  But Bobby Flay, I’m sick of your shit.  If you’re going to challenge people, make them cry.  And you call yourself a chef.  Hang out with Gordon more.

Well, there you have it!  I do have to give credit where credit is due, though: some of these chefs really do make some good food, I will always respect Rachel Ray for correcting people when they call her a chef (since she isn’t certified, technically she is a cook), and in the long run, bacon-wrapped-fried-macaroni-and-cheese does sound delicious.

Hopefully I don’t end up with the Bourdain Mafia banging at my door tomorrow or Paula Deen throwing fried chicken at my window out of anger.  I think I’m most afraid of Ina Garten, though.  That woman has a dark side, I can feel it.  She’ll cut a bitch.

Well, until next time!

David