~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:
Okay, so for those of you who don’t know, I started working in restaurants when I was 12 years old. I was the cute little bus boy who charmed all the old ladies and convinced them to leave everyone a bigger tip; so basically I’ve been a badass baller for my entire life. Nowadays, I am currently waiting tables in class in the restaurants here at school. Why is this important? Because people are fucking idiots, that’s why.
I feel like something that everyone should do at one point in their lives is wait tables, because it’s time that everyone started to realize just how high maintenance and stupid restaurant-goers can be. Like, I have no idea why it’s so difficult for some people to go out to eat without being mentally challenged. I’ve been noticing this since I got my first job, and honestly, I’m still surprised at how difficult some people can be.
THEREFORE, in order to make the world a better place one rant at a time, I’m going to share some of my tips with you all for how to not be stupid customers at restaurants, because most likely, you’re one of these people that I hate.
1. Know what you want to drink.
It seems that something that no one realizes is that your server has tables to deal with other than you. We can’t sit here all day and babysit you and hold your hand while you decide whether you want waffle fries or steak fries with your burger. We also can’t sit here all day and wait for you to write your life story with the person that you’re out to eat with. Now, when you go out to eat, what’s the first question that you’re always asked? The answer: What would you like to drink? So, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DRINK! Unless you’re reading the restaurant’s wine
bible list, try not to look at your server like they’re speaking Chinese when they come up to your table within 2 minutes of you sitting down and ask you what you’d like to drink. You should’ve seen this coming.
2. I’m not your slave, so put the whip away or bend over and take a little yourself.
I don’t care that you’re paying for this meal, you better treat me and my coworkers with the same amount of respect that we treat you. Whenever someone says something along the lines of “I’m paying for this meal, so they should do whatever I want”, I kind of want to punch them in the face and then laugh at them. I’m pretty sure that there is no sign in the restaurant saying that my soul belongs to you the second you sit down at your table, so have some courtesy and be polite to your server.
3. Don’t shoot the messenger.
The above being said, let’s acknowledge one other thing about being polite to your server: They’re not the one making your meal! I hate when people catch an attitude because their food might be taking a little while to come out or something was cooked improperly. Literally, let’s talk about what your server actually does: Writes down your food order and gives it to the kitchen. A few minor details excluded, that’s basically it! Then when the food comes up, your server will bring it to your table. Unless they screwed up your order, they have done nothing wrong in regards to timing or preparation of food, so don’t be rude to your server if the kitchen is a little behind. Do that to me and I will kick you in the shins with the defense that it’s okay because the economy is bad. It’s basically the same thing: me being rude to you for something that you have no control over (unless you’re part of the government……..)
4. Foreign people don’t speak English.
I dare you to live your entire life and never go to a restaurant that doesn’t have a server or busboy who doesn’t speak English well. You think it’s hard for you to communicate with them, but step into their shoes for a second! This is their job, they have it 10x worse! So you know what? Have a little patience, and if it gets to the point where you really can’t get a message across, politely ask to speak to someone else! Oh, and while we’re on this topic, let’s talk about how else you’re stupid: Don’t go to a Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, or other ethnic restaurant then throw a fit when the staff doesn’t speak English. That’s a fail on your part, so don’t even try to defend yourself with that one.
5. Expect what you’re gonna get.
Don’t go to Applebees and complain that the quality of the food is shitty. It’s simple as that.
6. The staff wants to go home.
It’s fine if you’re enjoying your time, that’s what we want. However, when you paid your check 2 hours ago and the restaurant is closed and the staff is mopping around your table, then it’s time to move the conversation somewhere else, because the employees can’t leave until you do, and seriously, it’s really boring standing in the back and staring at you.
7. You are not always right.
Sometimes the restaurant doesn’t have a kid’s menu. Sometimes they’ll be playing Frank Sinatra on the radio when you’re more into Radiohead. If the restaurant can’t cater to your every wish, but you see that they actually are trying, then just accept it. If they’re blatantly ignoring you, though, then it’s fine to cop a little attitude and give back what you receive. However, remember that every place that you go has its own list of policies and lines which it cannot cross.
8. Control your children.
BEAT. YOUR. CHILREN. IF THEY’RE ON THE FLOOR, PICK THEM THE FUCK UP. IF THEY’RE RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING, STOP THEM! IF THEY’RE GOING ON ADVENTURES UNDER THE TABLES, MAKE THEM SIT STILL! IF THEY’RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK BY THE ENTRANCE, MAKE THEM GO OUTSIDE! CHILDREN ARE SO ANNOYING WHEN THEIR PARENTS SUCK, AND STRAIGHT UP, I’M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW: YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK SO HARD. CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN.
9. You are not Jesus.
Speaking of you sucking, if you’re one of those people that just has a snotty personality to begin with, then please get out now because I don’t want your money. If you’re going to go somewhere and insult everything about the place, then just don’t go there! No one likes you! You’re probably really ugly, too.
10. Say thank you.
You server is working hard to make you happy. Be grateful.
So that’s basically it off the top of my head. In short, please be polite to the staff at the restaurant. Remember, they have a big job to do, and if they’re working hard and you can’t be polite to them in return, then leave. I get that there are those servers out there that hate life and obviously want you dead, and they’re a different story, but if you have the 18 year old who’s working 6 tables by him/herself, then be nice and patient, because they have a lot to do.
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