~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:
Once upon a time there was this guy called God. God was just chilling in his God-house when he was like: “I should make a universe,” and so he did. So God spent a whole week making the Earth and the Universe and the Sun and his main bro “Adam” and Adam’s love-partner “Eve” and they all named the animals together and everyone was happy and joyous. Then, this crazy-ass snake comes out, and like, the snake’s the Devil in disguise, so he’s all like “Hey Eve, eat this apple/pomegranate/other-debated-about-fruit and you’ll be smart like God” but then Eve was all “No, snake. God told me not to,” but then she ate it anyway and she gave it to Adam too and he ate it. Then God punished them because they broke this rule and He shrunk Eve’s vagina so that it would hurt to have kids (and later in life, one of Eve’s sons killed the other).
Fast-forward a few years and everything’s fucked up, and God is all like talking to Noah and being like “I’m gonna flood the Earth and kill everyone, but save my animal friends because they’re not mistakes like you all are” and Noah’s like “Okay” so he builds an ark and that’s how the dinosaurs actually died.
Oh, and somewhere around this time there’s this guy called Samson and he’s really strong cause he observes religious law, and he falls in love with this chick named Delilah and the priests pay Delilah to find out Samson’s weakness and so she does and she cuts his hair which is against his religious practices and so he loses all of his strength and then he’s being tortured but he gets his God-strength back and kills everyone. Except I think Delilah got away. Whatever, she was a hoe.
Then there are all of these Jews in slavery in Egypt and God’s like setting a bush on fire and talking to Moses and Moses is all like “Yo, my mom put me in a basket when I was little and floated me down a river, OF COURSE I’ll lead the Jews out of Egypt,” and so he does, and I feel like this is when Hannukah was invented, too. I’m not really sure.
So then, God is still trying to teach His people a lesson, so he tells Jonah to go to Nineveh because it’s like ghetto there and everyone needs to just stop, and Jonah’s like “No, I’m scared,” and so he runs away, and you know what God does? He gets Jonah eaten by a fish. So that’s what you get for trying to run away from God. You get eaten by a fish. But then Jonah’s like “I’m sorry!” so the fish throws up cause its bulimic and Jonah goes to Nineveh and preaches and everyone’s happy and Nineveh actually turns into an okay place to live. Like the Bronx.
Then it’s Christmas time and God’s like “I want a son!” so He tells Mary that she’s super-holy so she gets to birth Jesus, and Joseph doesn’t know how he feels about this at first, but after a chat with
his therapist an angel, he’s like “Okay, this is fine.” Then Jesus is born and all of these people are coming to visit him and bringing him presents because he’s the God-king! And then Jesus turns 12 and he starts to preach in a temple and his parents are like “We couldn’t find you!” and he’s like “I was at church, duh.” And then when Jesus gets older he gets this crew and they start to preach and everyone’s really happy. But then the priests are like “Jesus is stealing our thunder” so they plan to have him crucified which is really sad cause like, Jesus was a good guy and all. He did lots of nice things for people, and he really made a lot of people happy. Like, he was tight with a hooker, and like, his first miracle was getting everyone drunk at a wedding with his mom, and like, he gave sight to blind dude.
But then, three days later, the Easter bunny showed up and was like “JESUS IS ALIVE!” and threw eggs at the priests who killed Jesus, and sure enough, Jesus showed up to his crew and was like “Whuddup. I’m back,” and everyone was happy to see him but then he had to go back to heaven to chill with God, so all the disciples got the power of the Holy Spirit and they went out and preached and that was when Catholicism was born! Yay Jesus!
So now it’s the present day and God’s like “Wow I fucked up” but that’s okay because He loves us still anyway (as much as a parent can love his drug-addicted, whorey, mentally unstable, warring, teenage children). So God is good. And Jesus will save us. So pray, because the Antichrist is gonna show up one day and that’s going to be the end of the world (a.k.a. 12/21/2012), and you better have a good spiritual permanent record when you show up at Heaven or St. Peter is gonna be like “No, you go to Hell” and then he’s gonna push you off the cloud and you’re gonna go to Hell and it’s gonna suck for you.
Wow, I can’t believe I just summarized that Bible like that. I’m bound to get beat for that, but whatevs, let’s talk about how I’m sure that this is what a lot of people think the actual Bible is. I’m not trying to shove religion down your throat, I actually do have a point to this. For whatever reason, the internet has been blowing up lately with videos of some guy saying a poem about how God is good but the Church sucks (Click here to see it), pictures about how other religions are oppressed but they actually aren’t, and all this other shit that legit is just like “I’m wasting my time looking at this.”
Here’s my thought. Let’s all just shut up! Not only do I believe in Jesus, but I also believe in aliens and I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts letter and maybe I take all the anime that I watch a little too seriously. I believe in what I believe in, I have my likes and my dislikes, and you know what? I’m not trying to get together a group of followers, and so far, I’m pretty sure no one hates me for this. So, with terrorism being what it is in the name of whatever the fuck god everyone over in bumblefuck-slovania-istan is worshiping, I think that we could all just put an end to all of this fighting if we all just left each other the fuck alone. You stay on your side of the ocean, I’ll stay on mine, and I promise, if I ever come to your country, I won’t bomb you.
And, you know what? If my above little monologue didn’t convince you of anything, then here’s something that will: if your religion says that I’m going to Hell because I don’t follow your religion, but then another religion says that you’re going to Hell because you don’t follow their religion, then guess what? We’re all just going to Hell! We have created an endless cycle of putting people in Hell. We might as well be saying “You’re going to Hell because you like chocolate chip pancakes instead of blueberry”. Do I need to bomb you over your pancake choices? No. And I’m pretty sure the god of IHOP doesn’t want me to bomb you for your pancake choices, so stop bombing people! We’re all going to Hell!
Thank you for your time. Amen, Praise Jesus, Praise Allah, Praise Buddah, Praise Jewish-God, Praise whoever the fuck you want to praise, because honestly, I don’t have time to waste worrying about what you care about, and you shouldn’t have this time either. Go plant a tree. There are polar bears dying in the arctic.