Tag Archives: Politics

50 Things Society Needs


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

50 Things Society Needs:

1. For everyone to just shut up and mind their own business — Click here if you need further explanation.

2. For there to be a person out there who is paid by the government to punch stupid people in the face.

3. For teachers to be paid higher salaries — You know, they’re only educating our drug-addicted, pregnant, technology-addicted, weak, hopeless future.

4. For everyone to just love each other and bake cakes out of rainbows and smiles.

Awwwwwww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Education about real life (or rather, a freshman class called “The Outside World 101”) — I just Googled “What is health care?”

6. For saying the phrase “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” to be against the law.

7. For the United Nations to actually unite the nations — I’m pretty sure a pizza and beer pong party could solve so many problems.  And I’m being 100% serious right now.

8. For TV shows such as “16 and Pregnant” and “Toddlers and Tiaras” to be cancelled — They encourage America’s white-trashiness.  Seriously, like, are we THAT sleazy?  Why are these good ideas for shows? Like, let’s start up a show called “The Real Housewives Of The Dirty-Ass Trailer Park On The Side Of Town That Mom Tells Me Not To Go To”.

9. Gay marriage legalized like, everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. For America to stop eating so much — Let’s cut down and send some food to Africa/China/the Middle East/Alabama.

-Plus America is pretty fat and ugly.  Yes, you.  Go outside and exercise.  Now. Please.  Do the rest of us a favor.

11. For there to be a person paid by the government to shoot douchebags who play the guitar — Click here if you need a clearer definition of what a douchebag with a guitar is.

12. Bras for men.

13. For all this “we have a crappy economy” shit to end.  I’m not buying it (no pun intended) (Okay, slight pun intended) (LAUGH, BITCH!)

14. For 90’s kids television to come back.

15. For “The Situation” to get punched in the face.

I love books

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. For prostitution to be legal — If you got it, you should be able to get it.

17. For schools to bring back dodgeball and stop raising weak-ass punks who think they’re the shit.

18. For every school to teach a martial arts class — I’m pretty sure discipline, focus, and good attitude makes up for the fact that kids will be punching each other…with soft pads on their fists.  I mean, the Asians do it.  I have yet to see a downside to this.

19. For Pokemon to be real.

20. For there to be a mandatory educational video shown to all new parents called “How To Not Raise Your Kids Like An Idiot”.

21. For America to switch over to the metric system.

Hmmmmmmmm

 

22. For “Bing” to just stop trying.

23. For people to realize when they’re being bitchy — And not get mad when someone/I call them out for it.

24. Shoe vending machines — We’ve all seen those girls walking around with a broken heel.  Let’s give ’em a break.

25. Free college — So that everyone can know what “post-secondary education” means.

26. Death to slow walking people/slow drivers.

Yeah, I do this. But I also give them an obvious dirty look.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27. Free samples. EVERYWHERE.

28. For it to be socially acceptable to break out in song in public places — And for everyone to know the dance.

29. Death to racism — Let’s all just make fun of each other’s stereotypes and hate each other equally!

30. Ninjas.

31. Over-the-counter birth control.

32. A washing machine that automatically converts into a dryer.

33. Toilet TVs

34. More sassy black women

Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35. For Oprah to just launch her takeover — Seriously, think about it.  If Oprah is supreme overlord president, we would get so much free stuff!  Like health care!

36. Beer water fountains.

37. For young teenage girls to stop being whores.

Can I move out of this country, now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

38.  For the ketchup bottle to always be full.

39. For everyone to have superpowers if they want.

40. Death to loud chewers — There is no excuse to chew loudly.  None.  Whatsoever. You CAN help it, so don’t give me that bullcrap.  Change or kill yourself.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

41. For there to be a book written called “How To Blend In When You’re An Annoying-Ass Tourist”

42. For the falling piece of pizza to never land on the cheese side.

43. For products to actually work like they do in the commercials — Swishy backgrounds and all!

44. For kids to realize that they’re not cool if they drink and smoke weed when they’re 14 and 15.

45. For Facebook to have a “dislike” button — So I can dislike every picture of your face.

46. For GPS systems to tell you to turn before you’re past the actual turn.

Story of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

47. For farts to smell less horrible.

48. For there to be an age limit on the validity of driver’s licenses — Sometimes people are just too old to be driving.

49. Double stuffed oreos that don’t make you fat.

50. For Me to just be in charge of everything — I would do so much good for this world.

Well, these won’t solve all of society’s problems (except for that last one), but they would definitely help improve everyone’s lives significantly.  So, I propose that we all get on making all of this happen, especially the one about Pokemon 🙂

Special thanks go to Kristina DePalma, Stephanie Eyster (Check out her life blog by clicking here!), Amanda Welsh (Check out her food blog by clicking here!), and Justin Beaver for helping me with this one!

Follow me on twitter (@D_Mamms) for more of my daily random thoughts and let me know if there’s anything that you want to read about for next time!

David


My Fellow Americans…


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Hello world!

So, here I am, writing on this thing again, and I would like to take this opportunity not to tell a story about how I worship the devil or someone made a cake out of buttermilk biscuits, but rather use this time to tell you all of my campaign for president of the United States of America (pronounced: Ah-mer-ee-kuh).

Uhh...does he know he's a black guy holding a confederate flag?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I am sick and tired of people moaning and groaning about how fucked up our nation is, and so I am taking matters into my own hands.  If you’re friends with me, you’ve probably heard about my political party: the Davidan party.  You see, since I exhibit opinions from the Republican, Democrat, Independent, Catholic, Anime, Teenager, and Fat Kid parties, I have created my own political party (I have three people on Facebook who have joined me, so suck it!)

Now, I’m sure you must be skeptical about how a person with no political experience whatsoever could possibly be trusted to run our nation, and so I have googled “Top Ten Political Problems” to see what I could find (since I don’t follow politics in the least).  Unfortunately, all that I came upon was how Obama fucked us all over (no shit, even I know that.  He found Osama, though, and so I’m proud of you, Obama [Way too many O’s and Ama’s in that last sentence]).  So, since the one link that I clicked didn’t give results, I’ve just thought up some issues that I know of and will address them now.

1. Gay Marriage – Gay people should be able to get married.  If you can marry an inanimate object, you should be able to marry someone of the same gender.  I honestly couldn’t care less what you do in the bedroom, and I believe that someone can love someone else of the same gender, and so when I’m President, gay marriage will be legal (and all you conservatives and go fuck other conservatives for all I care).

And if New Yorkers love it, it must be great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Abortion – Tricky… tricky… This is one of those things that I legit can’t illegalitize, because people will be like “well what if it’s for the good of the mother and the child??! Mehh, I’m an annoying pro-choicer!! Mehh!” (that should be read in a nasal-ey voice, btw).  So, abortion will be legal, but frowned upon.  All people will have to attend classes in school about how abortion is frowned upon, and basically, if you get an abortion, everyone will hate you.  This will be called the No-Killing-Babies,-This-Isn’t-One-Of-Those-Countries Act (it’ll make the history books!).

3. Foreign Affairs – Seriously, terrorists just need to shut up.  So, what I’m going to do is go to all the foreign enemy countries and (1) withdraw our troops so they can have some quality time at home and Army Wives can finally be cancelled, and (2) go on a political tour throughout these countries and have big speech things where I basically say “Listen, foreign nation, let’s talk about terrorism for a second.  You’re going to kill yourselves….just so you can kill like 40 other people, too?  We’ll keep making babies, so unless you want to figure out a way to stop us from having sex, we won’t bother you if you won’t bother us”.  Then I’ll hand out oreos, tea, chocolate cake, ice cream, milkshakes, and assorted pastries, because who DOESN’T like all of that stuff?  It’s like the perfect peace offering!  And if anyone objects…… they get punished. 

4. The Poor Economy – I’ma print more money and fly dangerously low over cities and throw it out the window.  I am also going to go into random stores and be like “Really, you’re charging that much for paper towels (for example)?  No, I’m the President, and I demand reduced costs forever”.  There, done.  Next.

5. The Jersey Shore – That show is STILL on?!  They can’t beat the first season, I don’t care what country they’re in.

From left to right: (standing) Bitchface, Pancake tits, Oommpa Loompa, Man boobs. (Crouching) Shaved head, The elf, Nipple ring, The hot one

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. The Separation of Church and State – I went to Catholic school my entire life (well, starting in second grade), so I’ve heard this term a lot in my life, and it has “separation” and “state” in it’s name, so I qualify it as a political problem.  I’m just gonna gather all the bishops together (I was gonna talk to the Pope, but he has a religious world to run, so I’ll let him be) and say “Listen, Bish, unless it’s a divine intervention, I don’t wanna hear it!”  Call me a heathen all you want, I’ll still go to church on Sunday.

7. Childhood Obesity – Try a salad. 

Good job, Mom. Encourage it. *sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. The Going Green Movement – I’m a fan!  Since I’ll be completely fixing the economy, everyone will be able to afford organic food!  And I’ll plant some trees and stuff.  Put up a few windmills.  I’ll go around and see if we really need all of the major polluting areas of the United States (whaddup, Jersey) and if we actually don’t, we’ll play “Burn it down for the insurance money!”  That’s one of my favorite games. 

9. Drugs and Alcohol – Drinking age will be reduced to 18, but I actually have practical reasoning for this.  It’s not because I’m a crazy teenager, or because of the whole “If I can join the army, I should be able to drink” thing, it’s because of this: I believe that kids should be able to experiment with alcohol freely before they go off on their own.  If it’s 18, they’ll still halfway be under their parents’ watch, and so they can learn a valuable lesson or two (the exception to this is people like me, who have late birthdays.  If you fit into this category, then party hard and don’t drink and drive).  As far as drugs go, here’s the thing.  Weed will be legal, however, it must be treated as if it’s illegal.  Therefore, if you’re caught smoking weed, you better freak out!  If you don’t freak out enough, it is up to the cop is determine whether or not he will arrest you.  Good luck with that one.

10. Education – Teachers are gonna get paid more and all schools are going to reconsider their curriculums.  Seriously, we all go through school saying that we will never use this stuff…..and then we actually never use it.  Sooo….yeah.  Let’s take some charge. 

Ohh the many times I've needed to find X in my life....Like that one time....that didn't exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there we go!  Those are the top ten issues of my political platform!  See, former Presidents all have the same problem: They don’t enforce that they’re President!  Legit, if someone tries to oppose and doesn’t give a good enough reason, I’m just gonna be like “No, shut up, Senate!  I’m the President!”  THAT’S the problem with America, no one knows how to abuse their power!  Just wait til I’m in charge.

Vote Davidan!

David