~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:
Today’s post was suggested by my sister, Sarah, who just recently discovered the existence of my blog! I was given raving reviews from her, and so along with a large boost to my self-esteem/ego, I also was given a bunch of new ideas for what to write about! So, readers, you’ll be happy to know that, no, I’m not shutting up just yet.
Anyway, let’s get into this shizz. As you all know (or I’m assuming you all know), I attend culinary school and plan on making a career out of being a chef. What you might not know, though, is that chefs aren’t all prim and proper with our hospitable attitudes and freshly pressed white coats. Oh no, those are the nice men who take you to the bouncy room when you finally lose it. In reality, us chefs are actually kind of really trashy. In fact, the culinary career has one of the highest amounts of drug addicts and alcoholics within it (so if any of you have any good coke connections, hit me up…..I can sell that shit).
Now, we all know the food network and other various cooking shows on other channels: Giada De Laurentiis has a GIANT head and needs to eat a sandwich, Alton Brown makes himself sound really smart, and Man vs. Food guy just gets fatter by the minute. But don’t even start to try and tell me that celebrity chefs are all happy and healthy with their 30 minute meals and down-home cooking. Just read any of Anthony Bourdain’s books, he tells it like it is (or drive past my school on a Friday night. The smell of weed is so strong, you might as well think the bakers are making special brownies for our on-campus bakery).
That being said, I am taking it upon myself to call out all of the celebrity chefs. Well, not necessarily all of them. Since I am a messenger of the Lord, I’m going to call out the celebrity chef incarnations of the seven deadly sins. Since us chefs are basically sinners anyway, it’s only natural that we would go so far as to be “deadly sinners”. After all, who’s ever heard of Chef Pope Light Of God?
1. Pride – An excessive belief in one’s abilities. Also known as vanity.
Chef – Anthony Bourdain
Sorry Tony, but I’m callin’ you out first. To be honest, I’m very much a fan of you. You tell it like it is and don’t take shit from haters, but then I have some problems with you as well. I’ve read your books, seen your TV shows, and now I just have one question for you: Where do you screw up? I’m sorry, I had no idea that you were Jesus. In all of your books, you only tell of one time when you actually made a mistake. Well, actually, that’s incorrect. You tell us of maybe four times, but three of those four times, you conveniently stood up to the chef who was ridiculing you and instantly earned his respect. And then you got famous, naturally. And when you’re being all famous, you never seem to screw up. I mean, even Rachel Ray drops a bottle of EVOO every now and then, but I guess she’s not a certified chef so it’s natural for that to happen. Basically, I’m sick of your perfect life. You’ve traveled the world, have a successful marriage (which is a HUGE deal in this career), and also seem to walk on water. Well, I’d like to see some of the outtakes from your TV show. I guess that in the end, though, your sketchiness all comes down to one philosophy that I’ve heard in every kitchen I’ve worked in and every class I’ve ever attended: never trust a skinny chef.
2. Envy – The desire for another’s traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Chef – Pat Neely
The male half of the beautiful couple who are madly in love and basically have vocal dry sex during their entire TV show. Legit, the amount of times they call each other “baby” just makes me think that at least one of them must be having a little too much fun being on television. And we ALL know that it’s Gina. She’s loving that TV show so much, she pushes Pat out of the spotlight at any chance she gets, and he just won’t accept that! The issue, though, is that he even gets a little desperate for some camera love, and it shows. I mean, Pat, you try really hard and all, but let’s get real, the program is all about your wife. Just like your marriage. I have some advice for you, though. Just keep smiling and spend a little more time at the restaurant and let Gina take over the show. Like really, you get an A for effort! I’ve seen your show and I can see just how hard your trying! But really….just no. You’ve lost. Submit to your wife.
3. Gluttony – An inordinate desire to consume more than that which one desires.
Chef – Paula Deen
First lemme give you your props: I can tell from your show that you do care about making good food, and honestly I have no doubts that your fried chicken is the best in the south. However, is a hamburger between two glazed donuts really necessary (CLICK THE LINK)? That’s a little excessive, even for me. I’m going to back up Anthony Bourdain when he says that you’re going to kill all of us with the food that you’re serving, and actually, I’m just going to start up a general conspiracy theory right here and now. Not only are you going to kill us, but you’re TRYING to kill us. Paula, I’m not buying the nice old lady with silver hair who looks like she should be married to Santa Claus. I mean, bacon-wrapped-fried-macaroni-and-cheese?? Really?? And don’t even get me going on deep fried butter. Go ahead Paula, encourage America’s obesity numbers.
4. Lust – An inordinate craving for pleasures of the body.
Chef – Sandra Lee
Here’s my first question, Sandra: Are you even a chef? I’m too lazy to Google this, but I’m going to guess that you’re like Rachel Ray and got a TV show because you found something about food that you’re good at (that being purchasing pre-sliced mushrooms and tossing them with lettuce and calling it a salad). Secondly, let’s talk about your clothes. You realize I watch your show for your tits, right? They’re not even that big, but like straight up, they’re there. Just chilling. Sandra and her sidekicks. Thirdly, what’s up with the cocktail time. Why are you trying to get all of your viewers drunk? I’m just waiting for the day when you give a recipe along the lines of “1 part orange juice, 16 parts vodka”. Basically, I can’t tell if you’re the nice woman on TV or the stripper at the bar who just finished her shift and doesn’t want to go to bed alone that night. You’re flashing your boobs at anything that’ll look and you’re trying to get me really drunk. For those of you who need more convincing, click this link: Sandra beggin’ for the cock.
5. Anger – Manifested in the individual who spurns love but opts instead for fury. Also known as Wrath.
Chef – Gordon Ramsey
Didn’t we all see this one coming? I want multiple TV shows where I just run around and scream at people. I mean, I basically do that already anyway. Anyway Gordon, it is so apparent that you care about the food you put out enough to stab someone over it. However, I sometimes question if you chose the correct sect of the culinary world. You should’ve been a butcher. Think about it, a whole room full of dead things just asking you to hit them with hammers, cut them up, and even use a chainsaw if you have to! Doesn’t that sound fun?! It’s like Disneyland, but for sadists! My issue, though, is that according to this video, you’ve been this way your entire life: Click here for the emotional scarring of a young actor.
6. Greed – The desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. Also know as Avarice.
Chef – Ina Garten
I know that I’m gonna get shot for this one, but yes, even Ina isn’t safe from this. Let’s talk about your TV show. Basically, all I hear when you talk is “Let me exploit my friends and their lives so that my show can be a success. My husband is smart, he works at that school, but now we’re not going to talk about him anymore because it’s my time. It’s Ina’s time…..INAAAAA!” and then you talk about wine and some other stuff. Regardless though, all I ever see is you
surprising your friends inviting yourself over people’s houses and accepting kind-hearted gifts in return for your thoughtfulness mooching off of these people when they go on wine tours around the Hamptons. Remind me never to eat at your house, because honestly, I don’t think I could ever afford an acceptable food or beverage item to bring with me. Also, you kind of have a weird name, but that’s not your fault. It’s not your fault, Ina. It’s not your fault.
7. Sloth – The avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Chef – Bobby Flay
I have like an irrational dislike of Bobby Flay, and I really don’t know why. Seriously, though, anytime I see him I just want to be like “…I hate you.” Anyway, how is it that an Iron Chef with his own restaurant who is one of the most well-known chefs in the world could be categorized under “sloth”? Well, that’s easy. “The Throwdown with Bobby Flay”. Here’s a quick synopsis of the show: Bobby Flay travels around the country and challenges home-cook and Mom and Pop Restaurant cooks who happen to have made an award winning dish once. They make their dish, he makes a spin off of the dish, and in the end, Bobby Flay always loses. HOWEVER, he makes millions of dollars off of losing a competition! He doesn’t need to put any effort in whatsoever because the whole point of the show is that he loses! We know based off of his Iron Chef statistics that he can actually cook, so this is basically him going on TV, smiling to the camera, and purposely doing no work whatsoever. Is this a brilliant business scheme? Hell yes! But Bobby Flay, I’m sick of your shit. If you’re going to challenge people, make them cry. And you call yourself a chef. Hang out with Gordon more.
Well, there you have it! I do have to give credit where credit is due, though: some of these chefs really do make some good food, I will always respect Rachel Ray for correcting people when they call her a chef (since she isn’t certified, technically she is a cook), and in the long run, bacon-wrapped-fried-macaroni-and-cheese does sound delicious.
Hopefully I don’t end up with the Bourdain Mafia banging at my door tomorrow or Paula Deen throwing fried chicken at my window out of anger. I think I’m most afraid of Ina Garten, though. That woman has a dark side, I can feel it. She’ll cut a bitch.
Well, until next time!