The Worst New Yorker Ever

~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:


These past few days have been a great big adventure for me.  I was called into the city (New York City, that is) by my family because of an emergency, and this is what started my wild and crazy journey.  You see, I am a FANTASTIC New York City driver.  My issue?  I never have a clue where I am.  I have absolutely no knowledge of the city whatsoever, the subway line is practically a different language to me, and the 5 Boroughs might as well be a gang for all I know.

Staten Island is a borough?? Huh, I have learned something today











So, I was given an address by my mother of where to go – NYU Medical Center, located in Manhattan – and so I quickly MapQuested directions from school to the city and was on my way.  I followed the directions perfectly, and was so proud of myself for actually finding my way through the concrete jungle.  That is, until I called my sister…

This is called "foreshadowing"










Phone Conversation:

Sarah – Hi!  Where are you?

Me – I’m at 39th Street, where should I go from here?

Sarah – Okay, go down to 2nd Avenue and I’ll direct you from there.

Me – I’m on 2nd Avenue.

Sarah – Okay, good, now go find 33rd Street.  There’ll be a movie theater there, you can park in front on that.

Me – There’re only warehouses over here…

Sarah – Are you sure you’re on 33rd Street?

Me – Yeah!  I’m looking at the sign!  It’s like, I’m waiting to get shot.  This place is sketchy.

Sarah – Sketchy?? Dave, where do you think you are?!  You’re in Manhattan, it’s not sketchy!

Me – Sarah, literally, it’s just warehouses.

Sarah – Okay, I have no idea where you are, go back to 2nd Avenue.

Me – Okay, I’m turning left onto it now.

Sarah – Left?? You shouldn’t be able to go left.  Are you driving against traffic??!

Me – No!  It’s a two-way street!

Sarah – Dave, 2nd Avenue is a one way street.

Me – Not anymore.

Sarah – Are you sure you’re on 2nd Avenue?

Me – Yes!  I’m looking directly at the sign!

Sarah – Dave…Are you in Brooklyn??

I could use a cup-a cawfee right now










Well, low and behold, MapQuest had automatically changed my directions without me noticing, and I had driven all the way to Brooklyn.  No wonder I felt like I was going to be shot!

So, now MapQuest is at the top of my shit list.  Luckily, though, I was able to make it out of Brooklyn without getting mugged, and I found my family without dying.  I think the best part of my adventure was the 10 seconds when a cop was driving next to me.  I felt safe.  No one could touch me.

Then the cop left and I was fair-game.  Did I forget to mention that it’s nighttime when this is all going on?









The moral of the story?  I think that it’s time that I lived in the city.  Maybe that’ll be where I go after I graduate from school.  It would look good to have some connections in NYC, anyway.  And anyway, I’ve lived on Long Island my entire life, so people automatically assume that I know my way around, but I think that maybe I should start living up to expectations and actually learn the difference between Times Square and Central Park.  Which is the one with the trees?

Well, until next time!


P.S. – Feel free to judge, I’ll allow it 🙂  Everything’s good with the family, by the way.


About waterboy1023

I'm a 19 year old boy from Long Island, New York who's interested in a lot of different stuff. I'm a student at the Culinary Institute of America, so I'm going to be a chef one day! I'm here mainly to write stuff, just because I like writing and pretending that I can be creative sometimes, so hopefully my blog can entertain you and maybe you'll even get a laugh or two from it. Hope you enjoy! Please comment as much as you like. View all posts by waterboy1023

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