Snape, Snape, Severus Snape


~While reading my post, listen to this “song” for some added entertainment:

Greetings, readers!

So, wait…. Harry Potter is like…. over.  I’ve been waiting for a while to find out that this is some kind of joke and that everyone is just pulling my leg, and then they’d tell me there’s going to be another book, and we’d all laugh about what a funny joke this was, and I’d secretly hate everyone forever because seriously, WHO jokes about this kind of thing?! 

But, sadly, I have realized that with the exception of Pottermore, the world of Harry Potter has come to an end, and the child inside of me has officially died a slow and painful death. 

Now, most of my friends have been registered for Pottermore, as I have as well (but you know that already because you read my previous post: Be Gentle, I’m Nervous), and I am looking forward to the e-mail which opens the gates to heaven this website so that I may further extend my knowledge of the Harry Potter world (I look forward to finding out which house I’m in.  Fingers crossed that it’s Ravenclaw!).  Before that, though, I would like to take this time to point out 10 parts of the Harry Potter world which I still do not fully understand, even after reading the books countless times.  Here we go:

1. Hufflepuff House

To be honest, I thought this was just the fat kid house.  Basically, I just always figured that if you weren’t outstandingly brave, outstandingly evil, outstandingly smart, and you were fat, then you were put in Hufflepuff, but I’m now finding out that there actually can be a definition for the students in Hufflepuff house!  Still though, even with this, I do not understand what makes a Hufflepuff so unique that they aren’t put in another house.   Maybe this is the pothead house, I don’t know, it has huff and puff in the name.

Word, Cedric

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. The Lack of Teenage Pregnancies

Maybe teenage pregnancy is just an American thing?  I mean, we have so many shows about it, after all.  But seriously, why/how does NO ONE have sex in Hogwarts?  All they do is “snog” (that word makes me want to hurt things), and all that is is making out (and I imagine it to be just as unenjoyable as the word itself).  I mean, it’s not like they can’t do it!  Hermione proved to all of us that the girls can enter the boys’s bedrooms (that little slut), so why is no one getting it in?  I feel like everyone should be, because magical sex sounds so much better than regular sex.  J.K., I think you forgot a key part of teenage life when writing this book…

3. Dumbledore’s Sexuality

Dumbledore’s gay?? Am I the only one who was surprised by this? Like, I know that I’m notorious for my horrible gaydar, but I really feel like Dumbledore never gave off any inclination that he was gay, and yet all of a sudden he is and everyone’s like “Oh, it makes so much sense!”  Well where did this come from?!  To me, he just seemed like the teacher that everyone wants but never gets!  He offers guidance and support and even flying magical birds… wait… is the fact that he had a “flaming bird” supposed to be the metaphor that I missed here?? I mean, Fawkes helps Harry, Dumbledore helps Harry, Fawkes comes back to life, Dumbledore “comes back to life” in Harry’s head, Harry watched Fawkes die, Harry watched Dumbledore die.  Was the second book supposed to be some horrible kind of way of foreshadowing not only the final books of the series, but also Dumbledore being gay?!  What is this, J.K.?!

4. Bellatrix’s Sexual Frustration

I feel like Bellatrix has some crazy ass fetishes which are overlooked in any description of her.  She is so obviously trying to get with Voldemort, but like, she’s married?  But she’s all like “OH DARK LORD!  You can expecto MY patronum!” I wonder if she only married her husband because she knew she couldn’t get with Voldemort, or because she actually has feelings for him?  And then I wonder what would happen if Voldemort was ever like “Bellatrix, let’s get it!” I think that Mr. Lestrange and Bellatrix’s marriage was a little too unexplained.

Word, Voldemort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew Starting a Cult

Am I the only one who thinks that this is really what was going on between these four kids?!  Let’s think real quick, they were always together “causing trouble”, they have a secret hiding place that can only be accessed by going underground (and under a tree, no less), and they all turn into animals.  I don’t want to hear that they all did it so Lupin wouldn’t be lonely.  If you want your friend to cheer up, make him some cookies or buy him a hooker or something.  No, I think they all would turn into animals and go to the shrieking shack and worship the devil and burn churches and do naked forest dances and other secret ritual like things.  THAT’S how Lily fell in love with James!  It was a naked devil stag forest dance!

6. The Ghosts

I was always curious as to what makes the ghosts that are in Hogwarts so special that they get to be there.  Did they all die there?  I mean, the only ones who I understand are Moaning Myrtle and the Grey Lady, because they’re the only ones who have ever actually shown any reason to be in Hogwarts still.  That being said, what makes the house ghosts so special that they receive that title of “house ghosts”?  And what the hell is going on with Peeves?!  Where does he fit in in this madness?!  The ghosts are a bit disorganized, they need to be categorized, filed, and make more sense.

THIS is a Hufflepuff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. How Harry Potter Didn’t Kill Himself From Ages 1-11

So he lives in a cupboard under the stairs, is basically a slave to his aunt, uncle, and cousin, there’s implications of him being beaten, has no friends, hardly eats enough, was given a hanger for his birthday, and yet he still finds some reason to stick around and see what happens?? Do you think your aunt and uncle are going to pay for your college?? Seriously, there is no explanation as to what kept Little Harry going his entire life.  It’s not even like he doesn’t know any different, either, because he sees how everyone else is better off than he is!  You know what? I’m actually proud of you, Little Harry.  You’re one tough kid (and yet you still couldn’t make that feather float in your charms class.  *Sigh* Beat by a feather).

8. Lavender Brown’s Sudden Sluttiness

Ron doesn’t change at all during summer vacation between Fifth and Sixth year, so why is Lavender Brown all of a sudden ripping her clothes off and begging him for more?  And even more, why isn’t Hermione trying this tactic?? Not only would this have made the book a little more interesting, but it would’ve been fricking funny to read about, too!  Hermione seriously needed an awkward sexual scene, instead of just sitting there and creeping on Ron and Lavender as they snogged (still makes me want to hurt things).

9. Why Harry Never Tries to Kill Voldemort

Expelliarmus!  Expelliarmus!  Expelli-fucking-armus!!  What are you doing, Harry?!  I promise, you will be forgiven if you slip up and say Avada Kedavra!  Or even Sectumsempra or something!  But no, you stick to your Expelliarmuses.  Don’t worry, it might hit this time.  Actually, maybe throwing pebbles at him would be more effective.  If that doesn’t work, I bet he’s ticklish.  Try that, you’ll win with that one. 

Word, Voldemort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Dobby and Hedwig Dying

What the fuck, J.K. Rowling?  Seriously, I am straight up calling you out on this one.  To be honest, I’d rather if Ron died.  Ron was a whiney little bitch who needed to get punched in the face, but no, you kill off Dobby and Hedwig.  Sure, Hedwig kind of didn’t matter at all to the books in any way, but still, Dobby?!    Why don’t you kill off Mickey Mouse, too?? And Santa!  And childhood dreams! 

He is not amused. Neither am I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, those were my ten things which I still don’t understand about the Harry Potter series.  I guess that it’s not possible to have such a magical world without a few unanswered questions, though.  Oh well!  I’m gonna go cry over the fact that Dobby’s dead now.  Legit, what the fuck?

Mischief managed!

David

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About waterboy1023

I'm a 19 year old boy from Long Island, New York who's interested in a lot of different stuff. I'm a student at the Culinary Institute of America, so I'm going to be a chef one day! I'm here mainly to write stuff, just because I like writing and pretending that I can be creative sometimes, so hopefully my blog can entertain you and maybe you'll even get a laugh or two from it. Hope you enjoy! Please comment as much as you like. View all posts by waterboy1023

2 responses to “Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

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