Okay, so I haven’t posted on here in a long time. Why? I’ve had nothing to talk about! Seriously, you’re like, allowed to indulge me and give me something to talk about. I’ll take your challenge.
But anyway, I was so close to doing an “angry venting” post because one of my close friends has been pissing me off lately, but I decided that none of you want to read about me whining about how I hate my friends, so I’ve decided to talk about porn instead!
Yes, porn. We all love it, we all hate it, but regardless of our feelings, it’ll always be there. Now, I know some of you (feminists) might think that porn is degrading to women, but we’re not going to talk about that because I don’t want to hear it (and neither does the girl in the porn video who’s screaming for more cock, so suck on that!)
But anyway, I’ve decided that I am going to list all of the factors that make porn suck for me. I hope that some of you agree with me on these (because seriously, let’s admit it, we all watch/have watched porn), and I hope that you enjoy the attached pictures as well!
1. The Girl/Guy Who Gets Way Too Into It
Okay, so I’ve philosophically decided that porn scenes are designed to make us think that sex is acceptable in any room with any person at any time of the day. This is done by putting the models in scenes where they play roles, such as the Boss and the Secretary or the Teacher and the Student. We’ll use the Teacher and the Student, for example. So, the scene starts off with the female student being all “I’m failing your class. Oh no! I just dropped my pen in your crotch! Let me pick it up with my mouth!” and bing bang boom we have a blowjob. So, the scene progresses and it’s like 20 minutes later now, and then the student is like “So do I have an A?” or the Teacher is like, mid-thrust, “You get an A!” Seriously? We’re still doing this? I don’t know, it bothers me when they stay in character for eight years. That train left along with your clothing. I also hate it when the scene is the guy cheating on his wife with this woman and he’s like “You know I always wanted you, right?” Yeah? You guys met like 10 minutes ago. Shut up. Stop pretending you always had a friend name Strawberry Lust.
2. The Girl Who’s “So Gonna Get Famous From This”
This happens mostly during the blowjob part of the scene. The girl is doing her thing and the guy is doing his thing, and whatever, stuff’s happening, and then the girl looks at the fucking camera, breaks the fucking fourth wall, and flashes the fucking “Isn’t this so hot” eyes. To me, that just screams “This scene is going on my resume and I’m going to be the next famous celebrity.” Stop trying to be kinky, because you just ruined it. Bitch.
3. Pancake Tits
Shouldn’t it be a requirement that your boobs aren’t obscenely flat when you’re going to do a porn scene? Like, I feel like the producers should kind of see them when they hire you…
4. Hair Down There
SHAVE THAT SHIT!
5. The Guy That Fucks Weird
Okay, so the guy and the girl are fucking, and he like takes her and bends her in some unnatural way, and then it’s just like…that just looks uncomfortable! Like you just crossed the line from “sex feels good” and brought it right over to “I wonder if human joints can bend this far?” There was actually a time where me and a couple of my friends watched porn for this reason: to find and analyze these strange positions, wondering if they actually feel good or not. Like, the vagina is down there, why does her leg need to wrapped around her neck and tied around her arm in a box knot?
I never understood porn scenes where they leave some of their clothing on. Seriously, it’s not like they’re actually out in a public area or anything, they’re not gonna get caught, there’s no reason for them to still be clothed. It bothers me. Like, that’s a factor of sex for me. Sex = Naked. Like, this is actually more like a pet peeve for me, it actually really bothers me.
So there we go! That’s really all that I can think of right now, so that’s what you’re getting! Please give me something to write about so that we don’t end up with another one of these. I don’t really think I can take myself seriously when I ask myself “David, what about porn bothers you?”
Okay, go have the sex now!