Be Gentle, I’m Nervous


~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:

Hello!

So, I have some awesome news.  This past day, I purchased an awesome new knife!  Here’s a picture of it:

Preeeetty Shun Knife

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s awesome and I love it.  I have yet to figure out a name for it (because I’m cool like that and name my knives), but I’m sure that as time goes on and we develop a relationship (because I develop relationships with my knives) I’ll be able to figure out its name (is this weird?).  Don’t worry, my previous knife, Stretch, will be put to rest in the most respectful manner possible, and one day, he will be resurrected as one of the crappy kitchen knives that every restaurant kitchen has!

Not only is the purchase of my new knife something awesome that happened, but I also am officially a member of Pottermore!

So suck it, Muggles!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to my awesome friend Ashley, who agreed to make me an account at like 4 AM (she doesn’t sleep) in exchange for me buying her Starbucks, I now have an account.  So, next time I see her, I will buy her an Iced Black Coffee (or something along those lines that she likes). 

So, today I want to talk about irrational fears.  We all have them, but I have a couple, and some are kind of trippy.  I’ll give them names, to try to make them less trippy.

– The Plummeting Universe Complex

Okay, so did you ever think of this?  The Earth is in the Solar System, right?  And the Solar System is in the Milky Way, right?  And the Milky Way is in the Universe, right?  WHAT’S THE UNIVERSE IN?!  Legit, what is holding the universe in place, and then after that, what’s holding that thing in place?!  Basically, I have a fear that one day, whatever is holding the universe is going to drop it, and we’re all just going to fall through space forever, and it’ll be torturous, like falling down a bottomless pit.  It’ll never end!  Like, for the rest of our lives, we’ll be falling, but we won’t notice it because of gravity, but it’ll be like vertigo!  Yeah, endless vertigo. 

– The Son Of Salad Fingers Complex

Have you ever seen that creepy online cartoon “Salad Fingers”?  It’s basically about this creepy dude named Salad Fingers who likes the feeling of rusty spoons and making himself bleed “red water” and eating his puppet friends and a bunch of other shenanigans like that.  Well, you see, as a Chef in the making, I work with brines and stuff like that a lot.  Now, I know that it takes a long time for something to start brining, but I’m really afraid that one day, I’m going to reach into a vat of pickle juice or turkey brine or something like that, and my hand is going to come out all brined!  Like seriously, can you even brine a human person in the first place?!  I’m not sure, but I’m sure that if it was going to happen to anyone, it would happen to me.  And then, with my freshly brined hands, I’m going to be like the living Salad Fingers!  I don’t want to have puppet friends and eat them even though they taste like sunshine dust!

"Hubert Cumberdale, you taste like soot and poo!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

– The Host Of A Bug’s Nest Complex

Straight up, I’m afraid that some bug is going to lay its eggs inside of my skin somewhere and then I’m gonna have bugs crawling all through me and I don’t want that.  It wouldn’t be awesome, it would suck.  A lot.  And not in the good way.

– Soup

I am afraid of soup.  I am a Chef in the making who is afraid of soup.  Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how…. just… it’s hopeless, really.  My close Chef in the making friends know of my soup fear as well.  I really don’t have any reason for it, but if someone’s like “make a soup” I immediately freak out.  It’s not even like I can’t do it, because I can!  I can actually make really good soup!  I just hate it!  I’m literally terrified of it!  Fuck you, soup!

I'm not afraid to make sushi, though. Mmmmm sushi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– The Losing My Penis Complex

Okay, so this one is kind of gross, but it’s legitimately one of my worst fears.  I am afraid that one day I am going to be having intercourse with a girl and her vagina is going to have teeth and it is going to bite my penis off.  But I’m dead serious right now.  Like I’ve told this to other people.  I am not joking with you, I am afraid that this is going to happen.  I swear, one day I’m going to find this demon vagina and then I will just break down and die right there.  Wait for it, I know it’s going to happen.  I seriously have nightmares about it. 

Am I losing my mind?  Whatever, there we go!  Those are the irrational fears that I have that I could think of on a short notice!  Feel free to judge, I don’t mind.  I think they’re funny, to be honest.  What are your irrational fears?  I wonder how interesting they are…

Ight, I’m peacing.  Later!

David

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About waterboy1023

I'm a 19 year old boy from Long Island, New York who's interested in a lot of different stuff. I'm a student at the Culinary Institute of America, so I'm going to be a chef one day! I'm here mainly to write stuff, just because I like writing and pretending that I can be creative sometimes, so hopefully my blog can entertain you and maybe you'll even get a laugh or two from it. Hope you enjoy! Please comment as much as you like. View all posts by waterboy1023

5 responses to “Be Gentle, I’m Nervous

  • Alida Rose

    bravo to another creative post!
    i have a few things to say:

    1) i’ve heard your fear of vaginanimals before, but it still makes me cackle. hehe

    2) my irrational fear: Scary Movies Come to Life Complex aka The Boogie Man Complex aka Creatures Living in my Bed Complex… i think this basically speaks for itself but in case it doesn’t….

    i fear that the creatures in scary movies will actually creep into my bed and eat me and feed me to their creepy baby children O_o soooo i’m scared of the dark lol

    irrational fear #2: Oompa Lumpa Complex
    i literally run away from those girls that go spray tanning. its the most frightening thing to see orange people. call me racist, but unless your a midget and orange KEEP AWAY.

    irrational fear #3: Getting Dreams Mixed Up with Reality Complex
    at first this does sound kinda cool, but i literally bring up things that actually never happened ever in conversation because i truly believe it happened. its really awkward because it can be mistaken for lying, when technically its not lying because it did happen but just in my sleep…

    ok
    i like this idea. i might steal this and copy this idea for my blog 😛

    xx

    • waterboy1023

      haha steal away! i think it’s kind of fun to learn about people’s quirks and weird fears. i love ur oomp lumpa complex hahaha don’t go near the jersey shore. and i feel like we’ve spoken about the dreams being mixed up with reality thing, i get that. at least ur not like “hey remember that time you were giant and had wings? oh wait, that was a dream…”
      but i’m glad that you liked this! it was truly just a random thought out of nowhere.

      hehe, vaginanimals, witty

  • Jeyna Grace

    Naming knives? reminds me of sweeney todd and his relationship with blades. In reply to you losing your mind, is this because you watched Teeth? lol. that film is screwed up.

    • waterboy1023

      Haha yeaah maybe I need to tone down the knife-love a little bit. I swear I’m not that crazy haha. And I haven’t seen it but that’s what got this into my head! My friends were talking about it!

      P.S. I like your fanfiction, Luna is my favorite character in HP

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