~While reading my post, listen to this song for some added entertainment:
So, here I am, writing on this thing again, and I would like to take this opportunity not to tell a story about how I worship the devil or someone made a cake out of buttermilk biscuits, but rather use this time to tell you all of my campaign for president of the United States of America (pronounced: Ah-mer-ee-kuh).
Yes, I am sick and tired of people moaning and groaning about how fucked up our nation is, and so I am taking matters into my own hands. If you’re friends with me, you’ve probably heard about my political party: the Davidan party. You see, since I exhibit opinions from the Republican, Democrat, Independent, Catholic, Anime, Teenager, and Fat Kid parties, I have created my own political party (I have three people on Facebook who have joined me, so suck it!)
Now, I’m sure you must be skeptical about how a person with no political experience whatsoever could possibly be trusted to run our nation, and so I have googled “Top Ten Political Problems” to see what I could find (since I don’t follow politics in the least). Unfortunately, all that I came upon was how Obama fucked us all over (no shit, even I know that. He found Osama, though, and so I’m proud of you, Obama [Way too many O’s and Ama’s in that last sentence]). So, since the one link that I clicked didn’t give results, I’ve just thought up some issues that I know of and will address them now.
1. Gay Marriage – Gay people should be able to get married. If you can marry an inanimate object, you should be able to marry someone of the same gender. I honestly couldn’t care less what you do in the bedroom, and I believe that someone can love someone else of the same gender, and so when I’m President, gay marriage will be legal (and all you conservatives and go fuck other conservatives for all I care).
2. Abortion – Tricky… tricky… This is one of those things that I legit can’t illegalitize, because people will be like “well what if it’s for the good of the mother and the child??! Mehh, I’m an annoying pro-choicer!! Mehh!” (that should be read in a nasal-ey voice, btw). So, abortion will be legal, but frowned upon. All people will have to attend classes in school about how abortion is frowned upon, and basically, if you get an abortion, everyone will hate you. This will be called the No-Killing-Babies,-This-Isn’t-One-Of-Those-Countries Act (it’ll make the history books!).
3. Foreign Affairs – Seriously, terrorists just need to shut up. So, what I’m going to do is go to all the foreign enemy countries and (1) withdraw our troops so they can have some quality time at home and Army Wives can finally be cancelled, and (2) go on a political tour throughout these countries and have big speech things where I basically say “Listen, foreign nation, let’s talk about terrorism for a second. You’re going to kill yourselves….just so you can kill like 40 other people, too? We’ll keep making babies, so unless you want to figure out a way to stop us from having sex, we won’t bother you if you won’t bother us”. Then I’ll hand out oreos, tea, chocolate cake, ice cream, milkshakes, and assorted pastries, because who DOESN’T like all of that stuff? It’s like the perfect peace offering! And if anyone objects…… they get punished.
4. The Poor Economy – I’ma print more money and fly dangerously low over cities and throw it out the window. I am also going to go into random stores and be like “Really, you’re charging that much for paper towels (for example)? No, I’m the President, and I demand reduced costs forever”. There, done. Next.
5. The Jersey Shore – That show is STILL on?! They can’t beat the first season, I don’t care what country they’re in.
6. The Separation of Church and State – I went to Catholic school my entire life (well, starting in second grade), so I’ve heard this term a lot in my life, and it has “separation” and “state” in it’s name, so I qualify it as a political problem. I’m just gonna gather all the bishops together (I was gonna talk to the Pope, but he has a religious world to run, so I’ll let him be) and say “Listen, Bish, unless it’s a divine intervention, I don’t wanna hear it!” Call me a heathen all you want, I’ll still go to church on Sunday.
7. Childhood Obesity – Try a salad.
8. The Going Green Movement – I’m a fan! Since I’ll be completely fixing the economy, everyone will be able to afford organic food! And I’ll plant some trees and stuff. Put up a few windmills. I’ll go around and see if we really need all of the major polluting areas of the United States (whaddup, Jersey) and if we actually don’t, we’ll play “Burn it down for the insurance money!” That’s one of my favorite games.
9. Drugs and Alcohol – Drinking age will be reduced to 18, but I actually have practical reasoning for this. It’s not because I’m a crazy teenager, or because of the whole “If I can join the army, I should be able to drink” thing, it’s because of this: I believe that kids should be able to experiment with alcohol freely before they go off on their own. If it’s 18, they’ll still halfway be under their parents’ watch, and so they can learn a valuable lesson or two (the exception to this is people like me, who have late birthdays. If you fit into this category, then party hard and don’t drink and drive). As far as drugs go, here’s the thing. Weed will be legal, however, it must be treated as if it’s illegal. Therefore, if you’re caught smoking weed, you better freak out! If you don’t freak out enough, it is up to the cop is determine whether or not he will arrest you. Good luck with that one.
10. Education – Teachers are gonna get paid more and all schools are going to reconsider their curriculums. Seriously, we all go through school saying that we will never use this stuff…..and then we actually never use it. Sooo….yeah. Let’s take some charge.
And there we go! Those are the top ten issues of my political platform! See, former Presidents all have the same problem: They don’t enforce that they’re President! Legit, if someone tries to oppose and doesn’t give a good enough reason, I’m just gonna be like “No, shut up, Senate! I’m the President!” THAT’S the problem with America, no one knows how to abuse their power! Just wait til I’m in charge.